Ego Death Realizations

You realize that you’re not in control of your life at all. You realize there is something overlooking your entire life, and whatever that is, calls the shots, and you don’t.

You realize what an egotistical life you’ve lived so far- thinking you had control, thinking you knew it all, thinking you had it all figured out. Only to realize you can never know, there is no way to know, you are just an inferior being, inside this realm of higher beings.

You realize that everything you see, you really don’t know what it is at all, but you want to stay. Knowing no longer matters, all that matters is staying inside your human body, because its some sort of gift you’ve been given and that’s all you can be sure of.

You’ve realized you asked too many questions, and you wonder if you’ve went too far, and discovered something you shouldn’t have. You wonder if you will ever be able to go back to the way it was before (News flash- you don’t ever go back to the way it was before.)

You realize there are spirits out there, the spiritual world exists, and its none of your damn business what’s happening there, because you have the time after you die to spend there. There’s no need to see the spiritual world in your human life, because you came from the spiritual world. You’ll have all the time there in the world after you die, because its a timeless place. While in life, time exists, and it is short- so very short.

You feel connected to your body, but you also feel connected to the universe. You wonder if your soul will just fly out of your body, and you will lose your life again. You feel more like a galaxy, instead of a human being, but you also feel more human, more human than you have ever felt, all in one.

You fill your brain with as much Western crap as you possibly can, trying to return to an egotistical state. You crave for the way it was before- before you drank Ayahuasca. You crave being naive again. You want to just completely forget what just happened, but there’s no way to ever forget. What happened is now a part of you- its something you will have to carry into the rest of your life- and its exactly what you asked for.

The phrase “Be careful what you wish for” goes through your head, and you regret ever drinking the medicine and asking it to expand your consciousness. Because an expanded consciousness is a lot for an egotistical mind to process. It’s so hard, it’s so hard, you wish you didn’t have to process what happened, but now you do. The medicine is now a part of you, it’s now your life, a life that was supposed to be naive.

You break down in tears, you can’t stop crying, mourning your old self. Your old self didn’t understand what it actually was, and you mourn that. You realize you came here so you wouldn’t have to know, and now there’s no going back. You know now. You feel agony, the worst agony you’ve ever felt. And also…so grateful.

And now…you’re happier than you ever have been. Life is so beautiful, and that beauty is unfolding itself in every moment. You’re so appreciative, so grateful.

All you can do is fall to the ground and pray, and keep on praying, because you’re so happy, so joyful.

Because maybe you didn’t come here initially to learn about your true self- maybe the egotistical mind is a blissful one- but now you have. You’ve learned an ancient secret, and now you live more mindfully because of it. Now you can smile every single day. Now you can look at the sun and see it as an angel shining upon you. Now you can dance and feel your feet touch the floor. Now you can enjoy music, feeling every note hit your ear, as if you are hearing it in technicolor. Now you can do whatever you want.

You’re free. Free from the constraints of the egotistical mind. Free from suffering. Free from everything that held you back before.  You can enjoy every second of your life. You can wake up and truly feel like every day is a new one, a new gift, a time to start again. Now the smile on your face is a genuine one. Now you’re connected with the stars, with the trees. Now you understand its all you, and you’re the universe, and there’s nothing to be afraid of. You can be here, right now. You can just simply exist.

There are no longer any hurdles, only learning lessons. There are no longer any obstacles, only guides. You’re one with all that is.

And you can thank God for your beautiful life. You now pray, you pray all the time, and you’re so thankful to have been connected to your inner soul.

With much gratitude,


What is happening to me?

There are many ways to interpret what’s actually going on with me. I know for sure I’m having a lot of sickness – a sickness one might label as depression. It’s like I am literally sick of a lot of things in my life. The only thing I’m satisfied with are my relationships. Everything else, I’m not. In particular, I’m sick of all my health habits and my career. Sometimes I feel so sick of it , I can’t get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I literally do vomit. It’s crazy. It would be easy to label myself with depression and go to psychiatrist.

But there’s something happening here that I don’t think a psychiatrist could quite diagnose, and its been happening for a long time now. It’s a new inspiration to live life. It’s a glowing beauty, one that I can’t explain to anyone. I can’t always see it of course: but when I do, it’s so vibrant. It’s one I used to only be able to see in my dreams- but now, it’s happening all around me. My dreamworld is manifesting in reality.

If I am depressed, why do I feel so damn happy at the same time?

There are multiple times I see this….energy, and I look around me, and I don’t understand why no one else can see it. I want to tell everyone to open their eyes and LOOK, but how can they, when its something I can’t even see all the time myself? When it’s something I can’t technically see. I feel it, but not in a way I’ve felt anything else. It’s a sense I can’t place into words. And it isn’t just unique to me. I’m realizing that millions of people in the world can also feel it.

There are people out there who use it all the time and they don’t even know it. There are people out there who use it for wonderful things. Some use it to do horrible things. It’s a energy that once you notice, you can literally do anything with it. It’s an extremely powerful energy to see. It’s one that gives you complete control over your reality.

Ever sense I saw it, even though I can’t pinpoint exactly when I saw it, it has caused me to have complete depression. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I can’t go back to my old habits. I can’t ever go back to who I was before. Each time I feel myself indulging in an old habit, it physically hurts. I know I can’t keep going like this.

Note I’m calling it an energy. I have no idea what else to call it. I could probably call it anything I wanted, since it’s something that has no physical manifestation. It’s like gravity. No one knows what gravity is, we just kind of know what it does.

Leaders of all kinds use this energy.  Let’s take spiritual leaders for example. Have you ever actually wondered how the hell one person could just create a religion out of thin air with no scientific backing whatsoever, and then have millions of people follow it?  It happens all the time, all around us. It’s an energy that is charismatic. And it appears that I have that energy inside of me. It’s just been dormant.

I keep finding myself depressed, wishing I could unsee it.  I know I have a long journey ahead, and it’s a gruesome one. My body currently can’t handle this energy. It’s taking forever to adjust. I have no idea if it ever will adjust, because I might just be batshit insane. But part of seeing this energy is realizing that I am in fact sane. My thoughts create my reality, so if I decided right now that I was not crazy, then guess what would happen? I would think I’m not crazy.

Another way I like to describe this is by using the “third eye” metaphor. I like that symbol a lot , because that is what this is like. As if a third eye is opening in my head. I’m seeing some sort of energy that no one else can see. I’m seeing…my own mind.

It all just seems so simple in theory. If we could all observe our own minds, from a third outside perspective, what would happen? What power would that give us? And that is exactly what I’m discovering. I just feel like I’m only at the tip of the iceburg, and there’s so much more I’m not seeing. I’m still standing at the beginning. There’s so much more.

I’m seeing everything. That is the best way to describe it. Did I mean for this to happen to me? Not at all. All I did about a year ago was watch a video on YouTube about the double slit experiment. I just thought it was nuts, so I dived more in depth to figure out if I was actually interpreting it right. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I went on a trip where I stayed in the jungle for 2 weeks. Then I sat on a meditation cushion at a temple. Then the person I was in love with, who I didn’t think would ever fall in love with me, decided to be with me. And now I’m off my medication, I just had surgery, I just gave up my career, and I have literally no idea just what the fuck is happening to me.

I see how the world works. I never realized it before, I never saw it before…and I still feel like I only see a little bit of it. There’s still so much to learn. I’ve discovered that I’m limited to my perspective of the world: that however I chose to see it, dictates exactly what it is. Right now, I’m choosing to see it with curiosity, as if I’m a child. And it’s causing me to see beyond what I ever thought I could.

People who find themselves bored with this reality, have no idea just how fun and amazing it can be, because they have labeled it as boring. People who find themselves hating this reality, will just hate it, because that’s what they’ve decided to do. People can even decide to be happy about this reality, which is probably the better option. But it’s not one I pick…I’m picking to be curious about it. And it’s opening doors.

Doors just keep opening everywhere, and I’m frozen still, not sure what one to pick. I’m trying to calculate what door is right, but I know I need to go through lots of them, because none of them are right. They are just paths. There are so many paths in life. And I can take whatever one I want. I never had that power before. That power comes with seeing this energy, or opening your third eye, or whatever you want to call it.

Each path- not one has more merit over the other. You can create your own merits, using your own reasoning, but you know that it’s nothing more than that. In reality, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, so do what you want !

Its completely overwhelming me, and its also depressing me. Life would technically be easier if there were only a few paths to take. And that is what a lot of people do- they pick a path and walk it, completely satisfied like that. I’m depressed because I can’t go back to that easy way of life. Even if I said tomorrow, “Fuck I’m sick”, and decided to go back on medication to numb myself and turn off all these spiritual revelations, I wouldn’t forget what I saw. I wouldn’t forget what I wrote here. It would just eat me alive until I did something about it. So I have no choice. I have no choice but to do something with this vibrant energy that I see. And this energy that I see…it’s all inside of me. It’s bursting out at such strong intervals, my body can’t handle it. I can’t wait to see if this is actually a spiritual awakening, or if I really am just sick. I don’t know, but I do know this: I’m feeling quite excited to be taking the journey to find out.