TW: This is an in depth discussion about suicidal ideation, but a positive one.
This morning, I am sobbing.
Ever since drinking Ayahuasca, I have not had a single suicidal thought.
My intrusive thoughts were always the worst in the morning.
Every single morning, for the past 13 years, I had to face awful thoughts waking up. And this did not depend on what I was doing that day. I could have the day off with nothing to do, and I would still face the intrusive thoughts.
Right now, its especially crazy, because during the first week before my period starts, my thoughts would always get 1000% worse. I was diagnosed with PMDD. All my trips to the ER this year, have been on the week before my period, because my thoughts became so bad, I could no longer keep myself safe.
It is the week before my period. My uterus hurts. And my mind is quiet.
This is the biggest change in my health ever since drinking Ayahuasca. I no longer want to die- every part of me wants to live.
When you suffer from depression or something similar to it, it’s like you’re floating through existence. You’re not part of it, not really engaged.
You may wonder why you’re even here. And finding meaning in your existence is the hardest task to do on this planet.
I can guarantee you that 100% of people who experience suicidal ideation have contemplated their existence, over and over again.
And the only thing they’ve been able to find is their loved ones. Whether its a person or their pet, often they find a friend to live for. This is lovely, until they feel like no one cares about them, when they feel alone, the effects can be devastating.
Most people react to this by assuring the suicidal person is not alone. Psychologists will teach you coping skills . Christians will tell you that God is watching over you, so you’re not alone. Self care advocates will tell you to love yourself and learn to enjoy your solitude by taking a nice bath and writing in a gratitude journal. Positive nihilists will shrug and tell you “No one cares? That’s great! You can do whatever you want!”. Mindfulness experts will tell you to stop clinging to your loneliness and focus on your breath. Buddhists will tell you to face the loneliness and become friends with it.
You will get all sorts of reactions, all sorts of advice, to deal with your suicidal ideation. And trust me, I’ve tried them all. They all worked, to an extent. There wasn’t really any advice that was particularly bad- though I found Buddhist teachings the most helpful. And when you combine them all, you build a super shield against the thoughts.
But no matter what shield you put up, they are still there, and every single day your carrying the heavy shield. Even if you place the shield down and become friends with your thoughts, like any close friendship, there’s still going to be days where it’s hard as fuck to have them around.
When this happens, we are always left with the one thing that keeps us on this planet: our loved ones. Out of all the searching our minds do to find meaning to our existence, our loved ones are the only thing we can find. So you have to ask yourself- what’s the point of all these coping skills, all this breathing, all this learning, if in the end, the only meaning to your existence is your loved ones, which may not even be around, or your brain may perceive yourself as being a burden to?
You can try loving yourself all you want, but you know deep down inside you wish you were loved back. You can meditate all you want, you can gain all the riches you want, but you know that your still a tiny speck sitting on a dying planet in the middle of space. You can take all the antidepressants you want, but it will just creep back on you, and the side effects of those medications are often just as bad as the depression itself.
Yeah, its hard. It is incredibly hard to get yourself out of depression, which is why it is considered an illness that you have to carry with you for the rest of your life.
But actually, you don’t have to.
Ever since drinking Ayahuasca is there is no way I can return to having depression. It is impossible, since she showed me what death is like. And when you can experience death, you will realize just how precious life is. She showed me I had a soul- something that you need to experience in order to believe. She showed me that there is no true “afterlife”, there is just another way of being.
Which means that here is also a way of being.
All those people you see, who don’t struggle with suicidal ideation, are just being. They are just living life, without thinking too hard about what they are doing. And it’s not because they are stupid, it’s not because they are healthy. It’s because they are just existing, and that is what you will always be doing, just existing. We were just equipped in this life with the capability to suffer, but even suffering, can be turned into being.
It may be hard to accept that the meaning of life is to just be. But trust me, when you’re in another form, you won’t be questioning the meaning of life. Do you think if you were a cat, you would care that much about what you’re doing? No, you wouldn’t. You would just sleep for 16 hours a day and that would be your life.
When you suffer from suicidal ideation, you don’t even realize that you’re actually still engaged in being. If you fight thoughts of suicide all your life, that is your way of being. You’re just being. You have no idea, but you’re already engaged in the meaning of life without even knowing it.
But you can change your way of being. Suicidal thoughts and depression are indeed a hard way to be, so you can change that. You can focus in on the moment- because you will never be the same way as you are in this very moment.
But you need to connect to the moment without your ego, because your ego was not designed to be, it was designed to keep you alive, so you can experience this way of being. You need to just fully be in the moment, without judgement. You need to just BE.
All those suicidal thoughts, are actually love in disguise. It’s actually your brain and ego trying to keep you alive, because they love you. It doesn’t want you to suffer, so it wants to calm you and assure you there is a way out. But the second you actually start to commit the act, that is when your ego will panic.
You will realize that all along, your mind never wanted to kill you. Your mind was never against you. It only wanted to make you feel loved and happy.
No matter how much you think you do, you don’t actually want to die. You just want to live a happy life. You just want your mind to be peaceful and still. It’s trying it’s best to do that for you, but it doesn’t know how. So it’s up to you to teach it how.
When your ego gets ripped apart, you have no choice but to just be. There’s nothing else to do. And in life, you can do the same thing.
So go turn on your video games. Go do something unproductive. Go do whatever it is you want to do, and challenge yourself NOT to judge yourself for it.
Whatever it is you’re doing right now, just let yourself be.
Don’t become invested in thoughts of “Oh god I’m procrastinating”, or “Oh god I’m so unproductive and lazy”, “Oh god I’m not taking care of myself at all”.
Just…be. And after awhile, you will become more in touch with your body, and you’ll naturally be able to take care of yourself more.
Enjoy the beautiful moment you’re in.