Ego Death Realizations

You realize that you’re not in control of your life at all. You realize there is something overlooking your entire life, and whatever that is, calls the shots, and you don’t.

You realize what an egotistical life you’ve lived so far- thinking you had control, thinking you knew it all, thinking you had it all figured out. Only to realize you can never know, there is no way to know, you are just an inferior being, inside this realm of higher beings.

You realize that everything you see, you really don’t know what it is at all, but you want to stay. Knowing no longer matters, all that matters is staying inside your human body, because its some sort of gift you’ve been given and that’s all you can be sure of.

You’ve realized you asked too many questions, and you wonder if you’ve went too far, and discovered something you shouldn’t have. You wonder if you will ever be able to go back to the way it was before (News flash- you don’t ever go back to the way it was before.)

You realize there are spirits out there, the spiritual world exists, and its none of your damn business what’s happening there, because you have the time after you die to spend there. There’s no need to see the spiritual world in your human life, because you came from the spiritual world. You’ll have all the time there in the world after you die, because its a timeless place. While in life, time exists, and it is short- so very short.

You feel connected to your body, but you also feel connected to the universe. You wonder if your soul will just fly out of your body, and you will lose your life again. You feel more like a galaxy, instead of a human being, but you also feel more human, more human than you have ever felt, all in one.

You fill your brain with as much Western crap as you possibly can, trying to return to an egotistical state. You crave for the way it was before- before you drank Ayahuasca. You crave being naive again. You want to just completely forget what just happened, but there’s no way to ever forget. What happened is now a part of you- its something you will have to carry into the rest of your life- and its exactly what you asked for.

The phrase “Be careful what you wish for” goes through your head, and you regret ever drinking the medicine and asking it to expand your consciousness. Because an expanded consciousness is a lot for an egotistical mind to process. It’s so hard, it’s so hard, you wish you didn’t have to process what happened, but now you do. The medicine is now a part of you, it’s now your life, a life that was supposed to be naive.

You break down in tears, you can’t stop crying, mourning your old self. Your old self didn’t understand what it actually was, and you mourn that. You realize you came here so you wouldn’t have to know, and now there’s no going back. You know now. You feel agony, the worst agony you’ve ever felt. And also…so grateful.

And now…you’re happier than you ever have been. Life is so beautiful, and that beauty is unfolding itself in every moment. You’re so appreciative, so grateful.

All you can do is fall to the ground and pray, and keep on praying, because you’re so happy, so joyful.

Because maybe you didn’t come here initially to learn about your true self- maybe the egotistical mind is a blissful one- but now you have. You’ve learned an ancient secret, and now you live more mindfully because of it. Now you can smile every single day. Now you can look at the sun and see it as an angel shining upon you. Now you can dance and feel your feet touch the floor. Now you can enjoy music, feeling every note hit your ear, as if you are hearing it in technicolor. Now you can do whatever you want.

You’re free. Free from the constraints of the egotistical mind. Free from suffering. Free from everything that held you back before.  You can enjoy every second of your life. You can wake up and truly feel like every day is a new one, a new gift, a time to start again. Now the smile on your face is a genuine one. Now you’re connected with the stars, with the trees. Now you understand its all you, and you’re the universe, and there’s nothing to be afraid of. You can be here, right now. You can just simply exist.

There are no longer any hurdles, only learning lessons. There are no longer any obstacles, only guides. You’re one with all that is.

And you can thank God for your beautiful life. You now pray, you pray all the time, and you’re so thankful to have been connected to your inner soul.

With much gratitude,

Shunya

15 Gifts of Meditation

Meditation combined with my Ayahuasca experience gave me many gifts. Here are some of them:

1.The Gift of Compassion

bench chair friends friendshipAfter drinking Ayahuasca, I experienced a lot of anxiety, at an intensity I’ve never experienced before. I’ve been taught I don’t truly have control in my life- and it forced me to accept that, and to let go. This awakens unconditional acceptance and love for every single sentient being, who is struggling with something they can’t control.

2. The Gift of Equanimity

I can listen to people better, I can actually hear what they are saying, with no judgement. Especially people who become stuck in loops of frustration. I used to try to offer advice, or try to help the situation, or judge it in my mind. Now I just listen, with a sense of inner calmness.

3. The Gift of Life

Suicidal thoughts plagued my mind all my life. Now, I have no desire to die anymore. I want to stay here on this Earth so bad, that I need to be careful this desire does not turn into a fear of death.

woman using space gray iphone x

4. The Gift of Mundane 

I’m in love with completing simple tasks, something I never loved doing before. I used to struggle to dress myself and take care of my environment. Now I understand that all of this is part of my beautiful life experience.

5. The Gift of Understanding

I used to question my reality a lot. I never considered this to be bad, it was just part of how my brain worked. This part of me has disappeared completely. Life is a gift, and this is the only thing I’ve ever needed to know.

6. The Gift of Stillness

person sitting in front of the taj mahal

My mind is so quiet now, I have no idea what to think about. I have a Twitter that I’m currently struggling to update- because I don’t have thoughts to write. And when I have thoughts, I don’t identify with them.

7. The Gift of Being

I can just be and enjoy my being. I can be doing a lot, or nothing at all. I can just exist and love every second of my existence. I used to judge myself hard for whatever I was doing. If I wasn’t being productive, if I wasn’t doing something right. Now all of this judging has dissipated into the beyond. No matter what I’m doing, I can enjoy it fully. Even if I’m inside watching Netflix on a beautiful day, I love it so much, because it is all an extension of my life.

8. The Gift of Love

I have a deep, profound love for all that is.  Love is radiating through me, and I see the universe reflecting it back at me. I am love you are love, everything is love., and knowing that makes me feel so joyful inside.

9. The Gift of Music

I never used to hear songs in my mind- now I can, and I love dancing to them. I want to learn to dance! Not only that, my music tastes have changed. I can’t listen to negative songs anymore. I appreciate uplifting songs, even if they are cheesy.

photo of woman standing on rock formation doing yoga

10. The Gift of Body

I never used to feel connected to my body- now I feel its voice. The voice of my body is my own, and its also the voice of the universe. Nurturing my beautiful body is a top priority for me. Yoga is one of the ways I love to do this, along with sticking to a plant-based diet.

11. The Gift of Creativity

Right now, I’m having a burst of creativity, which is why I’m writing this. I have a huge desire to sit down and write forever. I’ve realized writing is my form of creative expression, so I will continue to write for the rest of life, and keep it public.

12. The Gift of Beauty

I can see beauty everywhere, including graveyards. I used to pass by graveyards and think deeply about how it would be me someday. Now I feel happiness that those lovely souls got to walk on the same ground as me. And I’m quite certain they are all walking the Earth again!

13. The Gift of Prayer

backlit clouds dawn dusk

I pray because I feel so grateful for every moment of my life. Some days, I wake up and I feel like I’m being touched by god. I feel like I’ve been given the biggest gift. 

14. The Gift of Intention

Whatever I do, I do so with an intention in mind. This helps me stay mindful of what I’m doing, and helps me connect to the moment unfolding in front of me.

15. The Gift of Gratitude 

I’m so thankful for our existence. Every moment is so precious, so wonderful, so lovely. Whoever or whatever gave me my life, thank you so much! 

-Shunya Rose

 

I’ve struggled with depression for 13 years and I’m finally HEALED!

TW: This is an in depth discussion about suicidal ideation, but a positive one.

This morning, I am sobbing.

Ever since drinking Ayahuasca, I have not had a single suicidal thought.

My intrusive thoughts were always the worst in the morning.

Every single morning, for the past 13 years, I had to face awful thoughts waking up. And this did not depend on what I was doing that day. I could have the day off with nothing to do, and I would still face the intrusive thoughts.

Right now, its especially crazy, because during the first week before my period starts, my thoughts would always get 1000% worse. I was diagnosed with PMDD. All my trips to the ER this year, have been on the week before my period, because my thoughts became so bad, I could no longer keep myself safe.

It is the week before my period. My uterus hurts. And my mind is quiet.

This is the biggest change in my health ever since drinking Ayahuasca. I no longer want to die- every part of me wants to live.

When you suffer from depression or something similar to it, it’s like you’re floating through existence. You’re not part of it, not really engaged.

You may wonder why you’re even here. And finding meaning in your existence is the hardest task to do on this planet.

I can guarantee you that 100% of people who experience suicidal ideation have contemplated their existence, over and over again.

And the only thing they’ve been able to find is their loved ones. Whether its a person or their pet, often they find a friend to live for. This is lovely, until they feel like no one cares about them, when they feel alone, the effects can be devastating.

Most people react to this by assuring the suicidal person is not alone. Psychologists will teach you coping skills . Christians will tell you that God is watching over you, so you’re not alone. Self care advocates will tell you to love yourself and learn to enjoy your solitude by taking a nice bath and writing in a gratitude journal. Positive nihilists will shrug and tell you “No one cares? That’s great! You can do whatever you want!”. Mindfulness experts will tell you to stop clinging to your loneliness and focus on your breath. Buddhists will tell you to face the loneliness and become friends with it.

You will get all sorts of reactions, all sorts of advice, to deal with your suicidal ideation. And trust me, I’ve tried them all. They all worked, to an extent. There wasn’t really any advice that was particularly bad- though I found Buddhist teachings the most helpful. And when you combine them all, you build a super shield against the thoughts.

But no matter what shield you put up, they are still there, and every single day your carrying the heavy shield. Even if you place the shield down and become friends with your thoughts, like any close friendship, there’s still going to be days where it’s hard as fuck to have them around.

When this happens, we are always left with the one thing that keeps us on this planet: our loved ones. Out of all the searching our minds do to find meaning to our existence, our loved ones are the only thing we can find. So you have to ask yourself- what’s the point of all these coping skills, all this breathing, all this learning, if in the end, the only meaning to your existence is your loved ones, which may not even be around, or your brain may perceive yourself as being a burden to?

You can try loving yourself all you want, but you know deep down inside you wish you were loved back. You can meditate all you want, you can gain all the riches you want, but you know that your still a tiny speck sitting on a dying planet in the middle of space. You can take all the antidepressants you want, but it will just creep back on you, and the side effects of those medications are often just as bad as the depression itself.

Yeah, its hard. It is incredibly hard to get yourself out of depression, which is why it is considered an illness that you have to carry with you for the rest of your life.

But actually, you don’t have to.

Ever since drinking Ayahuasca is there is no way I can return to having depression. It is impossible, since she showed me what death is like. And when you can experience death, you will realize just how precious life is. She showed me I had a soul- something that you need to experience in order to believe. She showed me that there is no true “afterlife”, there is just another way of being.

Which means that here is also a way of being.

All those people you see, who don’t struggle with suicidal ideation, are just being. They are just living life, without thinking too hard about what they are doing. And it’s not because they are stupid, it’s not because they are healthy. It’s because they are just existing, and that is what you will always be doing, just existing. We were just equipped in this life with the capability to suffer, but even suffering, can be turned into being.

It may be hard to accept that the meaning of life is to just be. But trust me, when you’re in another form, you won’t be questioning the meaning of life. Do you think if you were a cat, you would care that much about what you’re doing? No, you wouldn’t. You would just sleep for 16 hours a day and that would be your life.

When you suffer from suicidal ideation, you don’t even realize that you’re actually still engaged in being. If you fight thoughts of suicide all your life, that is your way of being. You’re just being. You have no idea, but you’re already engaged in the meaning of life without even knowing it.

But you can change your way of being. Suicidal thoughts and depression are indeed a hard way to be, so you can change that. You can focus in on the moment- because you will never be the same way as you are in this very moment.

But you need to connect to the moment without your ego, because your ego was not designed to be, it was designed to keep you alive, so you can experience this way of being. You need to just fully be in the moment, without judgement. You need to just BE.

All those suicidal thoughts, are actually love in disguise. It’s actually your brain and ego trying to keep you alive, because they love you. It doesn’t want you to suffer, so it wants to calm you and assure you there is a way out. But the second you actually start to commit the act, that is when your ego will panic.

You will realize that all along, your mind never wanted to kill you. Your mind was never against you. It only wanted to make you feel loved and happy.

No matter how much you think you do, you don’t actually want to die. You just want to live a happy life. You just want your mind to be peaceful and still. It’s trying it’s best to do that for you, but it doesn’t know how. So it’s up to you to teach it how.

When your ego gets ripped apart, you have no choice but to just be. There’s nothing else to do. And in life, you can do the same thing.

So go turn on your video games. Go do something unproductive. Go do whatever it is you want to do, and challenge yourself NOT to judge yourself for it.

Whatever it is you’re doing right now, just let yourself be.

Don’t become invested in thoughts of “Oh god I’m procrastinating”, or “Oh god I’m so unproductive and lazy”, “Oh god I’m not taking care of myself at all”.

Just…be. And after awhile, you will become more in touch with your body, and you’ll naturally be able to take care of yourself more.

Enjoy the beautiful moment you’re in.

-Shunya Rose