Ego Death Realizations

You realize that you’re not in control of your life at all. You realize there is something overlooking your entire life, and whatever that is, calls the shots, and you don’t.

You realize what an egotistical life you’ve lived so far- thinking you had control, thinking you knew it all, thinking you had it all figured out. Only to realize you can never know, there is no way to know, you are just an inferior being, inside this realm of higher beings.

You realize that everything you see, you really don’t know what it is at all, but you want to stay. Knowing no longer matters, all that matters is staying inside your human body, because its some sort of gift you’ve been given and that’s all you can be sure of.

You’ve realized you asked too many questions, and you wonder if you’ve went too far, and discovered something you shouldn’t have. You wonder if you will ever be able to go back to the way it was before (News flash- you don’t ever go back to the way it was before.)

You realize there are spirits out there, the spiritual world exists, and its none of your damn business what’s happening there, because you have the time after you die to spend there. There’s no need to see the spiritual world in your human life, because you came from the spiritual world. You’ll have all the time there in the world after you die, because its a timeless place. While in life, time exists, and it is short- so very short.

You feel connected to your body, but you also feel connected to the universe. You wonder if your soul will just fly out of your body, and you will lose your life again. You feel more like a galaxy, instead of a human being, but you also feel more human, more human than you have ever felt, all in one.

You fill your brain with as much Western crap as you possibly can, trying to return to an egotistical state. You crave for the way it was before- before you drank Ayahuasca. You crave being naive again. You want to just completely forget what just happened, but there’s no way to ever forget. What happened is now a part of you- its something you will have to carry into the rest of your life- and its exactly what you asked for.

The phrase “Be careful what you wish for” goes through your head, and you regret ever drinking the medicine and asking it to expand your consciousness. Because an expanded consciousness is a lot for an egotistical mind to process. It’s so hard, it’s so hard, you wish you didn’t have to process what happened, but now you do. The medicine is now a part of you, it’s now your life, a life that was supposed to be naive.

You break down in tears, you can’t stop crying, mourning your old self. Your old self didn’t understand what it actually was, and you mourn that. You realize you came here so you wouldn’t have to know, and now there’s no going back. You know now. You feel agony, the worst agony you’ve ever felt. And also…so grateful.

And now…you’re happier than you ever have been. Life is so beautiful, and that beauty is unfolding itself in every moment. You’re so appreciative, so grateful.

All you can do is fall to the ground and pray, and keep on praying, because you’re so happy, so joyful.

Because maybe you didn’t come here initially to learn about your true self- maybe the egotistical mind is a blissful one- but now you have. You’ve learned an ancient secret, and now you live more mindfully because of it. Now you can smile every single day. Now you can look at the sun and see it as an angel shining upon you. Now you can dance and feel your feet touch the floor. Now you can enjoy music, feeling every note hit your ear, as if you are hearing it in technicolor. Now you can do whatever you want.

You’re free. Free from the constraints of the egotistical mind. Free from suffering. Free from everything that held you back before.  You can enjoy every second of your life. You can wake up and truly feel like every day is a new one, a new gift, a time to start again. Now the smile on your face is a genuine one. Now you’re connected with the stars, with the trees. Now you understand its all you, and you’re the universe, and there’s nothing to be afraid of. You can be here, right now. You can just simply exist.

There are no longer any hurdles, only learning lessons. There are no longer any obstacles, only guides. You’re one with all that is.

And you can thank God for your beautiful life. You now pray, you pray all the time, and you’re so thankful to have been connected to your inner soul.

With much gratitude,

Shunya

Who helps you become a better version of yourself?

I’m manifesting people in my life who are helping me become the best version of me.

And it is a beautiful experience.

The best thing about people is that they don’t mind teaching you what they know, even if its something you feel you should know by now.

I never knew I had so much time to learn how to take care of myself and others. I never knew people could be this wonderful. I never knew life could be this wonderful.

When I was a young girl, I came to the conclusion that my parents were not capable of being parents. That conclusion holds true to this day. But I also came the conclusion that my life wasn’t worth living because of it, and that conclusion was wrong.

I watched my parents fight every single day. I watched as my dad put his hands around my moms throat. I watched my mom provoke his actions with her emotional abuse. I stood there as my mom abused my entire family, bringing out the worse in us all.

My survival depended on my ability to read emotional situations. I needed to have the ability to read their actions, so I knew what came next, and how to protect myself.

I developed empathy in order to survive.

No one told me this growing up. I loved people intensely, and my love was labelled as a disorder. My empathy, my loving heart, was labelled as sick.

Of course, I looked sick- I couldn’t manage my life. For example, my parents never taught me to cook, so I never labeled cooking as important.

I just lived off whatever scraps I could. I had one meal a day, if anything at all. All I ate was Bologna, fries, meatballs, and microwaved meals. I never knew anything else.

I learned that I had to take care of myself. I raised myself, the best I could.

I used society as a guideline toward what I needed to do: do well in school and get a degree.

It never happened, because I didn’t even know how to eat. I didn’t know how to smile. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t know how manage my life. I didn’t know how to commit to goals, because I couldn’t see myself having a future.

I didn’t know how to be happy.

All I knew was darkness, complete darkness.

I didn’t know that sunlight was there all along, in the sky. When I saw therapists, they labelled my brain as disordered. They said it was because of my past experiences that I was this way. They told me I had to learn skills in order to cope with my brain.

They put me on medication when I was 16 and expected that to fix me.

No one told me that happiness was in the sky. No one said “Hey, look at the sky. See those beautiful clouds? They are happiness.”

I was programmed to believe that happiness was a degree, having kids, having a car, having a good paying career, having a house, having lots of stuff.

But happiness was right there, all along.

I almost killed myself.

I almost lost out on the taste of coffee this morning and that lovely lady that talked to me about bananas on the street this afternoon and my partner who just told me I’m thin and crispy and my new friend who showed me how to bake bread yesterday and my best friends smile as I showed up at his door with a birthday cake the day before…

I almost lost all of this, because society labelled me as sick, and I believed them. I almost lost all of this, because I failed to live up to the expectations of society.

I was brainwashed into believing my life wasn’t worth living, not just by myself, but by everyone around me.

I was brainwashed into believing that I was somehow different than everyone else, because I grew up in a traumatic situation, when I’m really no different from anyone.

It took learning meditation for me to see the truth.

Joy lies in the little things in life: the taste of delicious food, the sky, a breeze on a warm day, laughing with friends. 

No one taught me this.

My parents taught me that life was pure darkness and suffering . Capitalist society taught me that I was running in a race. A race of who could have the best education, the best job, the most accomplished life. My friends and previous lover taught me that people are distrustful, that I wasn’t worth loving, that I was hopeless and worthless. The medical system taught me that my brain was sick and disordered, with no help of recovery.

No wonder I knew nothing but suicidal thoughts. No wonder darkness crept in and made a home in me. No wonder I so desperately wanted to leave this world.

Meditation taught me that joy and gratitude is found in my breath. My life is a miracle, and so is this beautiful Earth around me. I’m sure I could be sitting on a bench, homeless, right now, and I would still find a way to be joyful.

Life is everywhere. We are meant to take it slow, so we can truly enjoy every moment. We are all merely little humans, trying to find happiness. The world is full of generous, happy, loving, trustworthy people. Love is existing everywhere. My brain is a beautiful structure, made up of 100 billion neurons. My brain cells are vibrant and full of life, and they have lots to share, and lots of things they would like to learn and do.

The main one being, how can I best take care of myself, so that I can help others take care of themselves, too?

There’s so much here, and I’m grateful.

So grateful to be alive.