How drinking Ayahuasca permanently changed me.

A year ago I was on the plane to Peru to drink Ayahuasca and my mind was infested with suicidal thoughts.

Flying to Iquitos, Perú.

I stared at the emergency exit of the airplane, wishing I could jump out of it.

I contemplated my suicide for hours in the sky.

I picked a dangerous place to drink Ayahuasca- a place where no one spoke my language, a place nested deep in the jungle, miles away from any hospital.

There was nothing safe about what I was doing.

In my mind, I pondered every possibility. Maybe my body would react poorly to Ayahuasca and I would die. Maybe I would get bit by a poisionous snake and die. Maybe I would-

There was no practical preperation at all, only emotional preparation for my death.

From a very young age, I had an unhealthy preoccupation with death. I constantly fantasied about death, it was a coping mechanism because I hated my reality. I hated the act of breathing. I hated humanity, I hated the world I was in. And most of all, I hated myself. I was highly perfectionistic, always subjecting myself to unrealistic standards. I placed a bar on myself higher than I could ever reach.

When I was 13 years old, I would get a grade below 90 in school, I would cut myself. Every time my weight went above 105, I would vomit and exercise for hours. My first real suicide attempt was when I was 17, and after that, I overdosed on drugs up until I was 22 years old, when I overdosed on 16000mg of Wellbutrin. I had hallcuinations that caused me to question reality.

My questioning of reality ended up with me sitting on a cushion in a Buddhist temple a year later, where I discovered the beautiful and healing effects of meditation. A week long meditation retreat healed my brain more than the medication I was taking. It taught me more about my condition than years of therapy did. Because of meditation, I was able to actually live with my depression. I was actually able to observe it. Despite being able to cope with my thoughts, I still had intrusive suicidal ideation. I still woke up and my brain would immeditately tell me to die. I was just able to observe these thoughts of suicidal ideation, instead of attaching to them.

The only thoughts that I weren’t able to deattach from, no matter how hard I tried, were my existential ones. When I was 23, I experienced an event that triggered PTSD in me, and made me constantly question reality even more, and I couldn’t stop. I dove into books on quantum physics, in order to understand nature at its fundemental level. I went back to university to major in physics and psychology, in hopes I could find some piece of information that would explain existance. I questioned reality so much, that at times, my brain could no longer recognize what was real and what wasn’t. I ended up in the hospital for early onset psychosis. My psychosis was accompanied by chronic pain, numbness and tingling and losses in vision. I figured all my years of drug overdoses were catching up with me. I cried in the MRI machine, as it scanned my spine and my brain, terrified for what I was going to find out.

There was nothing. I stared at my MRI scans, wondering how my brain could actually be structurally fine, when all my life Ive been cycling through deep depression, PTSD, impulsive suicide attempts, and now episodes of psychosis.

Some months after recieving my MRI results, I had a horrible episode. I was standing on a sidewalk, and I completely forgot where I was. I forgot who I was, and where I was going. I could no longer tell that the cars were cars, so I walked in front of traffic. Thats when my vision blurred, like I was walking through a tunnel, and I had immense tingling in my legs and my spine. I came back to my senses after seeing the cars halt to a stop in front of me. I realized I was right next to home, and I had just left to go to work. I managed to get myself home, where I found my keys I left in the door. I curled up on my couch and cried. I felt completely helpless…and then…

I felt an overwhelming sensation of love and light.

I can’t describe this. I’ve never felt so much love and light. It was so strong, that it felt more real than anything I’ve ever felt. I realized that everything was going to be okay, in a way I can’t ever describe. The sensation of light was accompanied by even more tingling in my spine, but it didn‘t bother me. I felt like my consciousness was expanding to let in more light.

That was my first glimpse of this vibrant, loving light. I researched this feeling, and I was shocked to find countless articles about spiritual awakenings. Each article described everything I was experiencing. I did not believe in “spiritual awakenings” at all- I still firmly believed I was having neurological issues, especially with my history of mental health issues and drug overdoses.

Somewhere in my research, an article about Ayahuasca appeared, and the second I laid eyes on the artistic impressions of her- I heard her call. She told me it was time to go meet her.

This caused a lot of internal panic inside me, because I knew that I was crazy at this point. I logically reasoned I was growing closer to insanity, and I needed to go to the hospital to retry medication. There was no way a plant was calling to me. But then I read countless of people describing the exact same call. There were countless people in the world, that were experiencing my exact same situation.

I would hear her call every day after that, like an invisible force was pushing me to the jungle. It was so strong, that I did not go to the hospital. I stopped going to therapy for my early onset psychosis. My body was tingling, I was having so many chronic pain flareups I could barely move, but I sat with it all. I bared through it every day, and I kept meditating to keep myself grounded.

I got to the point where I couldn’t continue to postpone a trip to the jungle anymore. My MRI was fine, doctors couldn’t find a single explanation for what was happening to me, I basically tried every medication out there without aid, and I had savings to go. Ayahuasca suddenly went from a crazy idea, to being the most logical idea.

Note that I went to drink Ayahuasca with a mind built on logic. Of course, I was experiencing body tingling, I was experiencing impulsive suicidal thoughts and heavy existential crisis, and I was also feeling some sort of Godlike light going through me- but I still believed that all Ayahuasca would do was give me the placebo effect, maybe for a few months, then I would be back to square one. Since I’ve already hallucinated on drugs, I figured it would be the same deal. I didn’t believe it would do much.

Despite that, I cried and I cried. I cried more than I ever did in my life the month before drinking it. I thought for sure I was going to die. I didn’t think I would come back, because going into the middle of the jungle alone was dangerous, and I read about horrible side effects of Ayahuasca online, and I also read about experiences where people died drinking it. Flying to Peru felt like I was flying to the guillotine.

When I said goodbye to my family before going to the jungle, I meant it as my final goodbye.

And it was indeed a final goodbye, because…when I came back from the jungle, I was a completely different person. I was reborn. The person I was before drinking Ayahuasca, would not recognize the person I am today.

(You can read about my Ayahuasca experience here, but this post is about the changes that have occurred in me.)

It has now been a full year since I drank Ayahuasca, long enough for me to logically deduce that the changes in me from it have been permanent.

Here are some of those changes:

I am the healthiest person I know. I don’t have a single health issue, mental or physical. I have no pain, no numbness, no tingling, I have 20/20 vision, and not to brag, but I’m growing amazing muscles from being so active!

I’m full of energy. Before I couldn’t get off the couch most days, now I’m constantly moving. I enjoy hot yoga, weight lifting, and biking. Of course, I still love to take power couch naps! I have yet to find anyone who can match my current zest and energy for life.

I’m full of sexual energy. There is no limit to how much I enjoy sex. Sex feels completely different now, it feels cosmic and electric, and with the right person, it feels like my soul is vibrating.

I’m spirituality integrated It took months after drinking Ayahuasca to fully adjust to what she taught me. She pulled my soul out of my body. It was a classic case of an OBE/NDE. Because I was pulled out so quickly, and experienced the afterlife, it was extremely tough for me to integrate myself back into the world. Not only did I suddenly have an intense love and appreciation for life, something I never had before, I also carried memories of the process of dying (which includes a deliberating feeling of grief if you did not live a life of love and gratitude, followed by a familiar tunnel that you will know you’ve travelled through an infinite amount of times once you see it) , and the “afterlife” (which is really just an interdimensional transformation that is peaceful and nothing to be afraid of), and NONE of this is easy to integrate into life. It manifested as severe anxiety at first, but now, I’m calm. Deep down , we all know what the afterlife is. Theres millions of documented experiences similar to mine, the afterlife is no secret. We all know we are here to love, its no secret. What we are all doing here, is no secret (Its to LOVE! Love, love, love.). We all know. We all just get lost inside our brains, attached to our thoughts and our opnions of the world, that we forget how to love.

I experience sadness and grief differently. The sadness has a beautiful quality to it. I can best describe it as the state of Mono no Aware. Look this state up! I’m just basically in awe of the sadness and impermanence of life.

I used to be an atheist but now I use the words “God” and “Soul.” Ayahuasca flung me out of my body within seconds of her taking effect . I was in a spot where I had zero control, and zero body…and that was well before she ripped “me” in pieces until there was nothing left. You try coming back to the world and still be an atheist after an experience like that! Now, I use the word God to describe higher powers like Ayahuasca, but also to describe the unifying; loving energy of Oneness.

I no longer see humans as humans. Rather, I see humans as souls, and a soul is a fragment of one source energy. Souls are made of vibration and frequency. Each soul is facing struggles, for two reasons- 1) facing your struggles is a growth experience that your soul enjoys and 2) so your soul can bring this experience back to the source, as we are all one unifying energy of love. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but you will realize the vastness and the importance of this truth once you have to come to terms with your own death.

I’m in love. With everything. The planet, my body, my soul, the people in my life. Every day, I feel intense love from doing anything, whether its the dishes, or riding my bike. The wind passing by my ears as I pedal- thats love, and that’s all the love I’ve ever needed.

I can no longer get attached to suffering. The plant spirit taught me that suffering is a gift. There is so much meaning in suffering, because it means you have the gift of human life. Once you have gratitude toward your suffering, you can no longer be attached to it.

I have depression or no suicidal ideation. Not even a single thought, because I now recognize that death is not an escape from life. Rather, death is life itself. Death is like taking your clothes off. Its so natural, its all part of the flow of the universe, and its just a beautiful part of life.

I’m grounded in reality. I feel in touch with my soul and how its having a human experience, I feel as if I’m seeing reality im technicolor- its rich, full of life, full of vastness, full of color, full of love- and its also full of darkness, full of suffering, full of hardship- I see it all, existing as one, like I’m envisioning the full Ying Yang symbol, and this vision makes my mind balanced and more grounded than ever.

I have no existential questions. Mother Ayahuasca showed me the meaning to our existence, by transforming me into nothingness, a form that couldn’t conceive of meaning. When you are no longer able to conceive of meaning, meaning does not matter, and that is the meaning. The point of life is simply here and now, and we will always be here and now, whether we are alive, whether we are dead, whether we are human, whether we are a flower. We are here to connect to this eternal being, this eternal nowness, and this now, this being- its all love. All of it, is love. So we are here to love.

Breathing feels like a massage. Just being alive, having a body, doing things in my body, feels like one huge massage. Your soul loves your body too, or else it wouldn’t have one.

I’m able to manage anything. I’m in univeristy. Before, I couldn’t complete university because of my mental health issues. Now it’s a fun challenge, and I’m excelling at it. I’m enjoying seeing how far I can go in life, and what I can do. Its way different from before, when I held myself to standards. Now I’m just giving myself big challenges because I find the process of it fun and exciting.

This art by Ram Dass depicts exactly how this cosmic “wheel” dance feels.

I feel a vast sense of interconnection. I am the trees, the sky, I am you, you are me.

I’m always dancing. Literally, I can’t stop dancing. Figuratively, I feel as if the universe is engaged in one huge dance, and I can feel this dance vibrate through me.

I feel like a vibrating string of infinite possibility, that’s part of a web or a wheel. I feel like what we can achieve is endless, and that I’m always in this state, and the entire universe is in this state. I believe that reality may actually be something like a cyclic, interdimensional wheel, full of infinite, infinite possibility.

I’m energy sensitive. People exhibit certain color, an “aura”, and I’m drawn to certain colors. I can tell if people are struggling a lot in life. This means I have to be careful with whom I offer my energy to, and this has resulted in me enjoying my alone time more than I ever have. I love the peace, the quiet, and I love connecting to my soul.

I love the mundane aspects of life. I’ll clean, do the dishes and pay my bills any day! These things are exciting to me now.

I don’t take life seriously. I’m quite laid back and relaxed, and I enjoy all sorts of humor, and I love to smile and laugh.

I am eternally grateful. For you. For this life. For absolutely everything

Ayahuasca never stops teaching you. Her life lessons expand far beyond after you take in her spirit. I had an important lesson, an important realization, just a few months ago. This happened to me when I was lying in bed, and I thought about all the times in life I had suffered. I remembered every drug overdose, every time I cut myself, every panic attack from PTSD, every time I suffered at the hands of others, all the abuse I endured from the people I loved, every time I attempted suicide…

And I thought to myself, “Wow! That was awesome!” Like a little kid that just got off a scary rollercoaster ride, I would do it again and again. I would go through all that suffering again, just to wake up from it like I have in this life time. I understand the purpose of suffering, its the pathway to a greater joy, of which I get to experience now on the daily. Its the pathway to love and light. Its what I came to this dimension to experience, and I would come back, again and again. Even if it meant having my life shrouded in mental illness like I did before, I would do it again, because like my soul said- “That. WAS. FRIGGIN. AWESOME.”

Of course, I’m no gatekeeper of life. I’m far from having all the answers, as I’m just like you, I’m a soul having a human experience, I happened to find some answers, but far from all. All I know is death isn’t scary, just as long as you lived with love in your heart, and the second we die, we can return if we want, and our higher selfs don’t mind that at all, our higher selfs love to live many, many lifetimes.

My story isn’t unique. It is what billions of humans have experience through our time on earth. The constant questioning of reality I experienced is called the Dark Night of the Soul in literature, and the following health issues combined with sensations of love and light are typical of a spiritual awakening, so I hope you read this with that in mind, and note that we don’t have to spiritually awaken in our lifetime, we merely just have to love.

Finding the ability to love yourself, other sentient beings, the earth itself, and all parts of your life will always guide you to having a beautiful and phenomenal life.

Thank you so much for reading.

With much love,

Shunya

I died and passed over: My Ayahuasca Experience

First of all, I would like to answer a few background questions.

Feel free to skip these and scroll down to “My Ayahuasca Experience” if you just want a detailed account of what happened to me.

Did you actually die?

Yes, I did.

The dictionary calls death the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. By dictionary, I did not die. But I did lose total functioning of my brain, minus my brain stem, that is only in control of my heartbeat and my breathing.

Since I lose total brain functioning minus my brainstem, and entered a realm that lies beyond ego death, I consider myself to have died.

Whether or not you want to agree with me, is up to you. I’m not here to convince you of anything. I’m just here to tell you my story.

What is Ego Death?

Ego death is a well documented state of being. It is when you lose your sense of self: and I mean all parts of yourself. Your body, your five senses, your memories, your voice, your ability to think and speak and understand words, your sense of time, your ability to see and understand the world…everything you are. And yes, you are also the ground you walk on, and the sky above. Without your ego, there is no seeing the planet.

Ego death happens when you take a huge dose of hallucinogenics. For most, this dose has to be big enough to be dangerous. I drank two 300ml glasses of strong, potent Ayahuasca at once, freshly harvested from the jungle surrounding the Marañón River.

Before you shout and tell me you’ve drank more, please understand I am a tiny skinny girl. I am 5’3, weigh 102 pounds, a mere 46kg. I’m also missing some organs: I only have 1 kidney, and I also have no gallbladder.

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Tiny innocent me trimming the Ayahuasca vine, having no idea what I signed up for. I couldn’t even help smash it, I’m that weak! I’m thinking I need to start lifting weights.

You’re probably wondering why the shamans allowed me to have such a big dose. I told them that I had no health problems. I hid the fact that I’m missing organs in my body, I hid the fact that I’m hypersensitive to whatever goes into my body.

Of course, I knew logically, I should’ve had a small dose. But all my life, I’ve been engaged in reckless behavior. This is because all my life, I’ve been suffering intense suicidal ideation that hit me many times a day, no matter where I was. On my plane ride to Peru to drink Ayahuasca, I was wishing I could jump out of the plane through the emergency exit.

When you walk life with a desire to die, you become numb. You are an epitome of apathy, and you no longer care what happens to you. So drinking a dangerous dose of the most powerful entheogenic in the world in a foreign country deep in the jungle as a tiny helpless girl is not a daunting task at all.

Needless to say, I truly had no idea what I was in for. They say nothing can prepare you for your first Ayahuasca trip, and this is may be the truest sentence in existence. Of course, I read stories about other peoples’ experiences. I thought I knew what I was in for, but I didn’t actually have any idea. There is no way to conceive of the experience in our mind. I repeat, if you’ve never drank Ayahuasca, there is no way to know what it’s like. You could study Ayahuasca experiences for fifty years, you could meditate for another eighty, there is absolutely no way to know what you just signed up for.

The only preparations you can do is making diet adjustments, staying away from alcohol and other drugs, and do yoga and meditation to help with your anxiety, and soothing your anxiety may make the experience 0.00001% smoother. This is the only power you have to prepare for your experience. You are completely powerless otherwise.

What I expected was what I read. I figured I would go to other realms and meet entities, which may heal me from my suicidal ideation. I figured if I had a bad trip, it would just be like a nightmare, and I would recover quickly.

This was no nightmare. This was an actual-death experience.

Do we have souls?

The answer is yes.

Ayahuasca is not like dreaming. It is not like hallucinating. It is a literal out of body experience. She actually kicks your soul out of your body. And if you retain your sense of self or not, that all depends on how big of a dose you took, and on what she needs to show you, and I took one gigantic dose, and she decided to kill me.

I highlighted the word soul because prior to Ayahuasca, I didn’t know we had souls. I grew up as an atheist and converted to spiritual agnosticism after studying Buddhism. So while I wouldn’t exactly dispute the ideas of us having souls, I also didn’t really believe in it. It never made sense to me how we could exist outside of our bodies.

We all have this idea of our souls being like ethereal versions of ourselves: it’s not like this at all. Our souls, once fully integrated outside of our bodies, have no sense of self attached to them. Our souls have NO memories, NO bodies, NO sense of self, NO form, NO ego, NO senses, NO emotions, NO thought. Yet they somehow exist. We each have one.

A metaphor I got for this is: imagine our souls like air. No consciousness at all, no body, no nothing. Our soul inhabits a body, and after we die, our souls return to being air.

You would think it would be like complete nothingness, like an atheist point of view, but its not like this at all. Death is merely a transformation, from form into no form, so there is no true nothingness, no true death, there is merely transformation.

And it is like a Christian point of view, in the way our souls leave our body, and go to another place. Whether this place is heaven or hell, it doesn’t really matter, because you’re going to lose your concept of words and your ability to identify what you’re experiencing. All of that comes from our ego- our physical brain construct- and after we die, we don’t get to take this with us. Yes, that includes our memories.

It would be nice to bring memories with us after we die, but where we are going, there is no way we can conceive of memories. We completely transform. The only thing I can compare it to is like transforming into a galaxy. We are entirely formless, vast, and we exist as an infinite amount of dimensions. But we have no way to know if we are a galaxy or not, we lose the ability to know anything. I figured I would at least retain knowledge of space- but even space as we know it is just a reflection of ourselves.

Space and Earth as you know it doesn’t exist after you die. Every piece of knowledge you acquire in life, every memory you gain, every emotion you feel, every person you meet, and everything you touch and see, is all just yourself.

Nothing is separate from you, and when you die, you’re going to lose all of it.

This is scary to think about now that I’ve returned to my body. Honestly, my transformation was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced, because I was not ready to die. But once I had accepted my death, and completely transformed and traveled to the “other side”, I no longer had emotions. No more fear, no more suffering. My soul was just existing as infinite dimensions.

This is good news. This means you can relax into your being.

Death is nothing to fear.

My Ayahuasca Experience

“Please, take me back to my BODY!”

These words still haunt me. They are the sounds of my own voice- but with more desperation and agony I have ever heard. Not only that, I couldn’t even pronounce the word “body”. My words were falling away from me. Everything was just falling away, as my entire being was ripped out of me.

It did not completely start out like this. At first, it was beautiful.

I had my first drink, and the girl beside me started to sing and sweat. She seemed like she was in heaven, but I felt absolutely nothing, except for a bit of nausea when I lied down. So I stayed upright in a meditative posture.

The shamans were singing beautiful songs- called icaros. It is said the spirit of Ayahuasca teach them how to sing these songs, and I have no doubt that this is true. They are tunes so spiritual and healing, they can only come from a different realm.

I focused on one soft icaro in particular. I massaged my shoulders while I listened. I imagined the pain being ripped out from my spine as I massaged my back, and wondered if this could be what the plant was telling me to do.

But still, I didn’t feel much of anything.

My shaman asked me if I wanted a second dose. I, being the fool I was, said yes.

After drinking a second dose, I left the space to pee in the jungle. On my way back, I felt lightheaded and drunk. I thought to myself that this was nothing, since I was used to drinking alcohol, I must’ve built up a tolerance. I remember gazing at the stars before I went back to the ceremony. I sat back down in a meditative posture, and that is when I saw my first fractal. But I could barely see it, because I had left my body.

The feeling of leaving your body so quickly is just…I have no words to describe this. The atmosphere changed, everything changed, I was in a different realm. And it was no hallucination, no alternation in reality. I was literally in another dimension, that was so different from the one I’m used to, and I knew instantly that I have a soul. I was able to feel the very core of my soul, without my body. There is surely no way that death is just nothingness, that we do not have souls. We have souls.

I was transported to another world, full of radiant colors. I remember saying “I’m so happy, thank you, thank you!” even though I couldn’t really pronounce these words right. It was like “ZANK YOU”, “I’M ZAPPY!”.

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Artwork by Mugwort. A depiction of the world I entered. Here, my sense of self, my body and my soul, dissipated into beautiful radiant colors, and I became a state of everything.

I said “You’re beautiful.” to all these beautiful, colorful, fractal entities. I created some sort of celestial body, I rolled around in all these colors, feeling what may have been my water bottle, or my purging bucket, but I’m not sure.

I had experienced a completely lightness- I was happy at first to be out of my body. No more back pain, and I was happy to know I could just pee here- I didn’t even have to pee ever, or I could pee all I wanted. Yeah, I’m not too sure why I was thinking about that- I think needing to pee all the time is an important part of my body. I have one kidney!

Now that I’m writing this, I can tune into the fact that I had a lovely experience at first. It was fun, rolling around in this celestial realm, seeing just what I could do. I could also hear icaros, which made the experience even more beautiful and profound.

I assume this is what most people experience on Ayahuasca, and it is why they drink it many times in their life. The lightness of being outside of your body, playing with these gorgeous and friendly spirits, is gentle and healing indeed. But Aya is not known to be gentle. If you need healing , she is going to give it to you in the most brutal way possible, and that is exactly what she did to me.

I lost grasp of my body. I gained a full awareness that I was actually outside of my body, and I couldn’t go back to it. I needed help to get back to my body, so I shouted the name of my shaman. But it was like shouting into nothingness. I couldn’t even pronounce his name right. I was trying so hard to say his name, but failing. He didn’t come. I couldn’t hear his voice. I still heard icaros, but I stopped understanding into the fact they were coming from my reality. I lost full connection with my body and my world.

I said “I have a body, you know!” at the fractal spirits. Then I felt “them” slowly ripping into my ego. They completely disassembled my soul and my ego, and I realize that the fact I was still able to speak (even if it was incoherent) still meant I had a body. Words disintegrated from me….and that is when I was grieving and shouting in desperation.

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Artwork by Alex Grey. My soul was sucked into a tunnel by entities. I did not want to go into it. I resisted with every ounce of strength I could, but I had no choice but to let go.

“I’ve learned too much!” I cried, “I just want to go back to my body, please…”

Now in my life, I’ve experienced intense grief. That grief is part of the reason why I decided to drink Ayahuasca in the first place. But NOTHING compared to the grief of losing my body. This grief and sorrow I will remember for the rest of my life. I missed my back pain, my hair, my skin, and my world.

I felt it all of it just scatter into pieces, my soul completely separating to the point I could no longer touch a single piece. I stopped talking, as I no longer knew what words were. But each time a piece of my soul disappeared, I mourned it, and I tried everything I could to grasp it, but it all just fell away.

I had no choice but to accept my death.

It was an awful feeling, each piece of my ego fading into nothingness. I was sucked deeper and deeper into the spirit realm, except I was no longer a spirit, I was nothing. I clung onto whatever I had left- a memory of my partner, but I could no longer remember who he was or his name. My world- I tried to cling to my memory of the stars, but even that faded away. I could no longer remember what stars were. I couldn’t remember what I was, who I was, or my life. Each time I tried to remember something- even a little piece- it would just scatter away. as if it was all being sucked into a tunnel.

One of the last things I tried to remember was how I died. I remembered the word “drink”, but that word was sucked up by the dark tunnel. That was the last word I would conceive of. I gave up fighting, and allowed the tunneled realm to consume me.

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Art by @cate.farrand on Instagram. This is the most accurate representation I could find of what death felt like for me- every bit of color in this image would represent my soul scattering away and breaking apart, disappearing from existence. I felt like I was experiencing this for an eternity, it was agonizing and traumatizing.

I died. In every sense of the word, I died. I can’t even tell you if at this point I could see colors, or entities, because I had no senses left. No more icaros, no more sensation, no words, no memories, no form. I could never find my world ever again.

I was so lost, so gone. But I no longer realized I was lost or gone.

At this point, I was on the other side of the tunnel.

I had completely transformed, into multiple dimensions. I was existing, but as something I can’t even explain, because it was so vast, so formless. It had no thoughts, no memories, no words, no vision, no senses. It was as if I became a galaxy. But of course, I had no way to understand I was a galaxy. I just…was. I was simply existing.

No suffering as we know it, no joy as we know it, just the being of interdimensions.

This being was not empty. It was full of activity, full of connection and vastness, and there was life everywhere, but not life as we know it. I can’t describe to you what anything looked like here, since that would be like describing to you a brand new color. I couldn’t actually see anything. I felt it, using a sense not known to humans.

My ego remembers everything as being dark. But I also know it wasn’t dark, not at all, because there was a lot happening. I just can no longer conceive of what it was, since at that time, I was feeling it all using a celestial sense.

I know there were twinkles of lights glowing everywhere, lights full of life. The lights gleamed with love, and I felt connected with all of them. We were all communicating together, but not in a way I could ever describe. I was connected to everything.

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A representation of the brief “glimpse” of life after death I had- a full transformation into the being of interdimensions. There is no concept of suffering here, only the experience of love in a state of formlessness. Note I could not actually see any of this, I was all of it. I experienced the being of light itself.

If a star could feel love, it would love how brightly it glowed. It would love being in the sky, communicating and shining with all the other stars.

That is how I can describe to you that even after dying, I was able to experience love.

I was only in this peaceful state of “life after death” very briefly. It was so brief, that I feel like I only caught a millisecond glimpse of it, if time even existed.

Then I was shot back through the tunnel and I opened my eyes back into my world.

I was shocked. I vaguely saw a symbol written in white on the wall. I had glimpses of the symbol, then my soul would escape my body again and enter the tunnel, then it would return for a brief second.

I had brief glimpses of my shaman sitting a person away from me (on his phone of all things!), then my soul escaped into a tunnel again.

I said to myself, “If I return to my body, I am never doing this again. I don’t HAVE to do this again. I will recover and go home.” I was so panicked, not even realizing that the fact I could think again meant I was alive.

Finally, I could think again!

I fought hard to get back into my body. I clung and CLUNG to that symbol on the wall. I purged, grabbing my bucket, trying to connect to the bucket. I never fought so hard for my life. I connected to my world as much as I could, staying with every glimpse of it I had. Then, I fully returned, but with a lot of fear. I was terrified of my soul leaving again.

I felt like some newborn baby. All I wanted to do was curl up and cry for years.

At this point, I completely forgot about that brief second of peace that I saw after the tunnel. My mind was taunted with memories of my ego being ripped apart.

My ego was back to its harsh self, screaming at me, “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR. WHAT THE FUCK,YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID, GO THE FUCK HOME NOW, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST IDIOT ALIVE.”

This is why I had a hard life before. I identified too much with these thoughts. But these thoughts are my beautiful ego construct. My ego construct is merely just a grumpy grandparent, trying hard to keep me healthy and alive.

I touched my bucket, surprised I had purged entirely in the bucket, when I died and couldn’t even conceive of a bucket. I looked around as much as I could, taking in the scenery of the ceremony space.

I touched my hair- oh my beautiful hair! I kicked my feet out and waved my arms- my beautiful body! I touched my little boobs and my tiny tummy- I had it all!

I was SHOCKED I was alive. I was so flabbergasted, how I was alive, I can’t even begin to explain to you the shock factor of this.

After that, I didn’t say a word, I just literally just stood up and went outside and had a piss. I can’t believe after that, my body just got up and pissed, like nothing happened!

I was fully alive.

After taking the best piss of my life, I looked up at the stars. They looked completely normal. My body was tingling, my brain still repeating to me like a broken record “What the fucking hell, you need to get out of the jungle and go the fuck home before you develop schizophrenia, because that was NOT normal.”

And I felt, for the first time, as if my life was the biggest gift. All of this: my beautiful tingling body, my swearing and terrified brain, the beautiful ground, the beautiful stars above, the bustling night sounds of the jungle…

It was all a miracle.

I couldn’t sleep that night. People beside me were snoring, and I wondered just how they could just FALL ASLEEP. I was afraid if I fell asleep, I would lose my body again. I wanted nothing more than to be in my body. I just wanted to stay in my body, forever.

I love my body, and life is a precious gift. All my life, I’ve never felt connected to my world or to my body in any way. I connected more to the stars in the sky, compared to my own physical body. My physical body is what keeps me in this plane of existence- this Earth, this space, this dimension- and I love it here.

I no longer feel a need to be anywhere else. This Earth, this life ,this reality, is perfect just the way it is. I honestly have an amazing life, just from being here. I just want to cultivate love and kindness. Love is the most important energy there is, and it can be found in every dimension, in many different and wonderful forms.

Stay tuned for a part two to this, where I will write about how of all this has completely changed my life, and healed me.

Thank you so much for reading!

-Shunya Rose

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Gazing over the Marañón River, contemplating how happy I am to be alive. Again, thank you so much for reading! May you find happiness and gratitude in your life too ❤️

I’ve struggled with depression for 13 years and I’m finally HEALED!

TW: This is an in depth discussion about suicidal ideation, but a positive one.

This morning, I am sobbing.

Ever since drinking Ayahuasca, I have not had a single suicidal thought.

My intrusive thoughts were always the worst in the morning.

Every single morning, for the past 13 years, I had to face awful thoughts waking up. And this did not depend on what I was doing that day. I could have the day off with nothing to do, and I would still face the intrusive thoughts.

Right now, its especially crazy, because during the first week before my period starts, my thoughts would always get 1000% worse. I was diagnosed with PMDD. All my trips to the ER this year, have been on the week before my period, because my thoughts became so bad, I could no longer keep myself safe.

It is the week before my period. My uterus hurts. And my mind is quiet.

This is the biggest change in my health ever since drinking Ayahuasca. I no longer want to die- every part of me wants to live.

When you suffer from depression or something similar to it, it’s like you’re floating through existence. You’re not part of it, not really engaged.

You may wonder why you’re even here. And finding meaning in your existence is the hardest task to do on this planet.

I can guarantee you that 100% of people who experience suicidal ideation have contemplated their existence, over and over again.

And the only thing they’ve been able to find is their loved ones. Whether its a person or their pet, often they find a friend to live for. This is lovely, until they feel like no one cares about them, when they feel alone, the effects can be devastating.

Most people react to this by assuring the suicidal person is not alone. Psychologists will teach you coping skills . Christians will tell you that God is watching over you, so you’re not alone. Self care advocates will tell you to love yourself and learn to enjoy your solitude by taking a nice bath and writing in a gratitude journal. Positive nihilists will shrug and tell you “No one cares? That’s great! You can do whatever you want!”. Mindfulness experts will tell you to stop clinging to your loneliness and focus on your breath. Buddhists will tell you to face the loneliness and become friends with it.

You will get all sorts of reactions, all sorts of advice, to deal with your suicidal ideation. And trust me, I’ve tried them all. They all worked, to an extent. There wasn’t really any advice that was particularly bad- though I found Buddhist teachings the most helpful. And when you combine them all, you build a super shield against the thoughts.

But no matter what shield you put up, they are still there, and every single day your carrying the heavy shield. Even if you place the shield down and become friends with your thoughts, like any close friendship, there’s still going to be days where it’s hard as fuck to have them around.

When this happens, we are always left with the one thing that keeps us on this planet: our loved ones. Out of all the searching our minds do to find meaning to our existence, our loved ones are the only thing we can find. So you have to ask yourself- what’s the point of all these coping skills, all this breathing, all this learning, if in the end, the only meaning to your existence is your loved ones, which may not even be around, or your brain may perceive yourself as being a burden to?

You can try loving yourself all you want, but you know deep down inside you wish you were loved back. You can meditate all you want, you can gain all the riches you want, but you know that your still a tiny speck sitting on a dying planet in the middle of space. You can take all the antidepressants you want, but it will just creep back on you, and the side effects of those medications are often just as bad as the depression itself.

Yeah, its hard. It is incredibly hard to get yourself out of depression, which is why it is considered an illness that you have to carry with you for the rest of your life.

But actually, you don’t have to.

Ever since drinking Ayahuasca is there is no way I can return to having depression. It is impossible, since she showed me what death is like. And when you can experience death, you will realize just how precious life is. She showed me I had a soul- something that you need to experience in order to believe. She showed me that there is no true “afterlife”, there is just another way of being.

Which means that here is also a way of being.

All those people you see, who don’t struggle with suicidal ideation, are just being. They are just living life, without thinking too hard about what they are doing. And it’s not because they are stupid, it’s not because they are healthy. It’s because they are just existing, and that is what you will always be doing, just existing. We were just equipped in this life with the capability to suffer, but even suffering, can be turned into being.

It may be hard to accept that the meaning of life is to just be. But trust me, when you’re in another form, you won’t be questioning the meaning of life. Do you think if you were a cat, you would care that much about what you’re doing? No, you wouldn’t. You would just sleep for 16 hours a day and that would be your life.

When you suffer from suicidal ideation, you don’t even realize that you’re actually still engaged in being. If you fight thoughts of suicide all your life, that is your way of being. You’re just being. You have no idea, but you’re already engaged in the meaning of life without even knowing it.

But you can change your way of being. Suicidal thoughts and depression are indeed a hard way to be, so you can change that. You can focus in on the moment- because you will never be the same way as you are in this very moment.

But you need to connect to the moment without your ego, because your ego was not designed to be, it was designed to keep you alive, so you can experience this way of being. You need to just fully be in the moment, without judgement. You need to just BE.

All those suicidal thoughts, are actually love in disguise. It’s actually your brain and ego trying to keep you alive, because they love you. It doesn’t want you to suffer, so it wants to calm you and assure you there is a way out. But the second you actually start to commit the act, that is when your ego will panic.

You will realize that all along, your mind never wanted to kill you. Your mind was never against you. It only wanted to make you feel loved and happy.

No matter how much you think you do, you don’t actually want to die. You just want to live a happy life. You just want your mind to be peaceful and still. It’s trying it’s best to do that for you, but it doesn’t know how. So it’s up to you to teach it how.

When your ego gets ripped apart, you have no choice but to just be. There’s nothing else to do. And in life, you can do the same thing.

So go turn on your video games. Go do something unproductive. Go do whatever it is you want to do, and challenge yourself NOT to judge yourself for it.

Whatever it is you’re doing right now, just let yourself be.

Don’t become invested in thoughts of “Oh god I’m procrastinating”, or “Oh god I’m so unproductive and lazy”, “Oh god I’m not taking care of myself at all”.

Just…be. And after awhile, you will become more in touch with your body, and you’ll naturally be able to take care of yourself more.

Enjoy the beautiful moment you’re in.

-Shunya Rose

Is it all really in your head- or can darkness exist outside of you?

Today, my mind was jumbled to pieces. I was engrossed by darkness, a darkness so huge that it wanted me to commit suicide, right then and there. A darkness that told me I had to isolate myself away from all my friends and family, a darkness that told me I was unworthy of being alive. I was overtaken with frustrated emptiness, a physical heaviness in my body. I was suffocating from loneliness.

It is not a new darkness at all, it is one I felt all my life. The darkness told me that I could never escape it, that it would follow me everywhere I went. That it would always penetrate through my skin, no matter what I did. It told me I was aging, that there is no point in continuing, that I’ve done all I can with my life here.

My heart was racing, as if it was aware that darkness had entered my mind. I felt terrified of myself. It wasn’t just my heart that was terrified- but it was also my brain itself. Thoughts circled in my mind, trying to find a way around the darkness. It was clinging to logical statements, i.e, “Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more.”. It also clung to life changes I could make that would help, i.e, moving out of my house. It searched and searched for whatever thoughts it could, to fight the darkness.

I’ve already discovered that the neurons in my brain don’t want to die. On the verge of actual death, I can feel each cell in my brain do whatever it takes to call out to the cells in my body, in a desperate attempt to revive itself. And now, I’ve discovered, that even when my brain is telling me to die, it’s still trying to keep me alive.

A huge question I have is…is this darkness actually my brain? The more I learn about my brain cells, I constantly question if that darkness is actually me, as in, my ego construct. If they are actually thoughts constructed by my brain cells themselves.

The logical conclusion is that its old brain patterns. I grew up coping with stress by indulging in suicidal idealization. So it’s easy to say that its my old thought processes are acting out in some sort of dark dance. But the more I observe this dark dance, the more I realize, the entirety of my mind and body are actually actively fighting against it. And that fight is the reason why I’m still here today.

I can’t help but to believe I’m picking up some signal in the atmosphere, some sort of energy, that is not my brain. I can’t help but to think the darkness is actually outside of me, rather than in me, like insects biting my skin.

This thought goes against everything I believe.

I’m all about pointing fingers at myself for everything I do. I’m all about self growth and self realization, I’m all about taking responsibility for myself.

So to consider that a darkness could originate from outside of my consciousness is crazy. But if I get stung by a wasp, and my skin swells up, what good is it going to do to think my skin swelled up on its own?

When my skin swells up, its trying to protect me from a poison that entered me from the outside. What if the heaviness in my body, my heart racing, the deep depression and need for isolation, my brain racing in circles trying to figure out solutions…what if my entire body is trying to protect me?

What if the darkness is like a wasp, and it tries to sting me, tries to take me over, and my body is fighting it? Is it really that crazy of an idea? Could there be some sort of energy in the air…and I’m easily infected by it, while others are not?

The only problem is I have no way to prove that there is a darkness outside of me. At least, for now. If I keep doing energy work, and observing it, maybe I can figure out what it is. Since I frequently plummet into pits of darkness, I am my best test subject to studying what exactly it is.

It’s silly, that many people are born here with the ability to do so much. I often wish I could do more for others than what I do. I want to help society and extent a helping hand. I also want to save the environment. I want to leave goodness behind. But instead, I’ve been fighting darkness, all my life. And it’s all internal darkness, so no one can see it. It’s so embedded in me, it’s all I can write about. I can’t do anything useful, but fight my darkness.

I say fight, but I no longer fight it like how I used it. I no longer label it like how I used to. I just let it be. I keep letting it take me over, to show it that I’m not afraid. There is room for the darkness inside of me. What I’m fighting is the urge to block out the light too.

I am an open door, and I will always be open. So darkness can come in though the front door, but it will quickly find its way out the back door. There is no shelter here.

There is something I read that stuck out to me- it was written by a Peruvian shaman. Apparently, there is darkness in this world. I can try not labeling energies all I want, but darkness still exists. If it really exists, outside my ego, outside what I label as darkness, then I definitely know it.

I want to make my mind and body a home for the light. But I’m conflicted on whether there is a light and a darkness at all, if I need to even think in these black and white terms. If you break through the duality, you’ll realize that darkness is light, light is darkness, there is no separation between the two. This thought makes the most sense to me. What doesn’t make sense is even when I’m aware of this, I still feel darkness.

The only time I truly can’t feel darkness, is when I’m not aware of anything at all…or I’m too aware…a deep meditative state that transcends duality.

I ended up doing a yoga practice, and it was by far my hardest one yet. I could barely lift my arms, my body felt so heavy. At the end, I felt a moment where my mind was clear. And I was able to feel the light again. The answer was there all along.

The answer is live, not think. The answer is a clarity of mind. The answer is that there are no answers, just live. Just breathe. The universe will work itself out. What is meant to happen will happen, so I can just lay back and live.

Interestingly enough, when your mind is clear- and the seconds before you die- you feel the light. As if attachment to thoughts can create darkness: as if attachments give a free tickets to the darkness. Only in a meditative, clean slate of mind, will you realize that all your thoughts fundamentally don’t matter. And not at all in a depressing way- in the lightest, joyful way possible. And there is no more darkness.

There is peace, so much peace.

I may never understand why this is. Perhaps its because my ego protects itself against dark energy, but when I surpass my ego, there is no longer any protection. The darkness finally penetrates me, but so does every other energy imaginable. And somehow, I’m lifted toward the brightest light.

I’ve got about 2.5 weeks before I take Ayachausca. The darkness does not want me to take it. In fact, its going to do everything it possibly can to stray me away from it. Excuses keep happening in my brain, “It’s too much money”, “You’re too sick to take it”, “It’s unsafe and you’re going to die.”, “It’s going to show you horrible things”, “You’re not ready.”. But when my mind is at its clearest, I can hear the plant calling me. I can understand that no matter what happens, I will be okay, and I am ready, and that this is my destiny, and I must not be afraid.

-Shunya Rose

 

 

 

How depression lies to you

Some days, when I wake up in the morning, I experience severe depressive thoughts. It can feel as if I’ve been born for the first time. Inside, my brain is crying like a newborn child. It’s as if my brain has to readjust itself to reality, it’s all jumbled up, and it makes it hard to put a shirt over my head. My brain has to relearn how to process reality, every single morning, as if it forgot during the night.

As my brain wakes up, it will search for reasons that I feel this way. It can range from “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night” to “I’m not meant to be here.” In the past, my coping mechanism was to just forget about the thoughts, and get myself out the door. This worked well, for most of my life. But not ago, it stopped working. I began wondering what would happen if I listened to some of the thoughts. The ones I wondered most about were the ones that told me “I hate my job, I hate going to work, I hate being on time, I’m not fit for work. I want to do something else.”

So I was able to adjust my life . Right now, I am currently living a life where these thoughts are allowed to manifest. I go to university, and I don’t technically have to be on time for any of my classes. Instead of taking classes that benefit me in the future, I’m taking classes I’m truly interested in right now instead. This helps give me a sense that I have control over my reality. And after finishing my exams, I didn’t have work for a long time…so when I woke up in the morning, I literally had nothing to do. I felt free for the first time in my life, and what I discovered was interesting. I have found out a couple of things:

  1. If you have depressive thoughts, they will manifest REGARDLESS of the situation. It doesn’t matter if you have to work 9-5 every single day, or have all the freedom in the world, or anywhere in between. They will still manifest. Changing my life around to give myself more freedom did not take away the thoughts.
  2. Depressive thoughts are full of excuses. As I’ve already mentioned above, a huge excuse for me to feel so depressed was my job. After I took away my job, I STILL had the thoughts. Even the excuse “I didn’t sleep well last night” doesn’t work, they manifest whether I sleep 10 hours or 3 hours.
  3. Your brain wants to know why its having depressive thoughts, so it attaches the thoughts to absurd, untrue excuses in order to make sense of it. As already mentioned, these can range from “I hate my job” to “I hate being alive” to “I wouldn’t have these thoughts if I had ____” or “Everything is boring and mundane.” It’s hard to recognize any of this as being untrue until you actually see outside of it. No lifestyle changes will take away depressive thoughts, because they are NOT dependent on your life. Someone else could be in your exact same position and be the happiest person alive. Not only that, your hateful thoughts are casting an emotional lense on reality, when reality itself is free from this lens. Reality just is.

These thoughts are like being in the matrix. They are all you can see, they are addictive, and its the only way your brain can make sense of what is happening. The freedom begins when you can observe your thoughts without judgment. When you can just stop attaching them on your circumstances and see them for what they actually are- just simply thoughts.

Of course this is tough, when all you’re accustomed to seeing is your thoughts. This is why I do not at all regret adjusting my life to allow myself more freedom. When you’re able to actually experience the fact that your thoughts are not real, it is a huge game changer. But you can’t actually experience it through logic. If you wake up and go to the same job every single day, and your brain is telling you that your job is bad, how are you supposed to know if that’s true or not until you actually take a break from your job?

This is why I encourage that, alongside your meditation, you do give yourself freedom. This is why I encourage that you find ways to step outside of your every day reality, so you can actually experience what its like to be outside of what your brain is accustomed to. All it takes is one experience of seeing reality outside of how you perceive it to change your life forever.

Every day, it gets easier for me to wake up. I can now see my thoughts for what they really are, and I can allow them the freedom to roam, without getting too attached. I can sip coffee and watch the sunrise now. I still feel like a newborn baby waking up sometimes, but not always one that cries. Rather, one that can only gawk at this beautiful universe around me, that is so huge I can’t even begin to fathom it.

-Shunya Rose

Woke up feeling like dying? Do this.

Write down all the reasons WHY you feel like dying. Here are some examples:

I have no money. 

I have no job. 

No one cares about me.

I don’t want to be here. 

I wish my life wasn’t like this. 

Next, cross out each thought and replace it with an affirmation or an objective truth, even if you don’t believe it at the time.  You can write the logical reason why your affirmation is true to help you believe in the statement.

I have no money. Money is abundant.

This is the truth. Money is the most abundant resource on this planet. It is the one resource that will never disappear as long as you’re here. It is renewable.

No one cares about me.  People care about you.

Why don’t you call a family member or a friend this morning? Someone cares about you, you just can’t see it right now. I care about you.

I don’t want to be here.  You are here.

Removing your thoughts on the situation can help you see it more clearly. You are here, regardless of what you think of this place. Feel this moment, feel the environment. It’s not as scary as it feels, it just is.

I wish my life wasn’t like this.   I like my life the way it is.

Of course, it’s okay to also like your life and not like your life. Both can be true at once, don’t forget this. Another piece of wisdom I have for you is that if you can find ways to like your life right now, then you will always like your life, since your life only happens in the now.

When you don’t believe an affirmation is true, act as if it is. You can ask yourself- if these affirmations were true, what would I do? And then act on it.

Go easy on yourself this morning. Just do what you can, even if its just breathing. One thing I would recommend is to meditate. Turn off all distractions and just sit somewhere.  If you can’t sit anywhere, do it while you’re walking. I suggest opening your eyes, to take in your environment.  Focus on each breath you take. Feel how it goes up your nose and out your mouth. Check in with your body- how does it feel?

And of course, have a sip of coffee. Focus on how it tastes. Isn’t it delicious?

If anything, coffee is always worth waking up for.

white cup filled by coffee
Photo by Jonas Mohamadi on Pexels.com

What is happening to me?

There are many ways to interpret what’s actually going on with me. I know for sure I’m having a lot of sickness – a sickness one might label as depression. It’s like I am literally sick of a lot of things in my life. The only thing I’m satisfied with are my relationships. Everything else, I’m not. In particular, I’m sick of all my health habits and my career. Sometimes I feel so sick of it , I can’t get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I literally do vomit. It’s crazy. It would be easy to label myself with depression and go to psychiatrist.

But there’s something happening here that I don’t think a psychiatrist could quite diagnose, and its been happening for a long time now. It’s a new inspiration to live life. It’s a glowing beauty, one that I can’t explain to anyone. I can’t always see it of course: but when I do, it’s so vibrant. It’s one I used to only be able to see in my dreams- but now, it’s happening all around me. My dreamworld is manifesting in reality.

If I am depressed, why do I feel so damn happy at the same time?

There are multiple times I see this….energy, and I look around me, and I don’t understand why no one else can see it. I want to tell everyone to open their eyes and LOOK, but how can they, when its something I can’t even see all the time myself? When it’s something I can’t technically see. I feel it, but not in a way I’ve felt anything else. It’s a sense I can’t place into words. And it isn’t just unique to me. I’m realizing that millions of people in the world can also feel it.

There are people out there who use it all the time and they don’t even know it. There are people out there who use it for wonderful things. Some use it to do horrible things. It’s a energy that once you notice, you can literally do anything with it. It’s an extremely powerful energy to see. It’s one that gives you complete control over your reality.

Ever sense I saw it, even though I can’t pinpoint exactly when I saw it, it has caused me to have complete depression. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I can’t go back to my old habits. I can’t ever go back to who I was before. Each time I feel myself indulging in an old habit, it physically hurts. I know I can’t keep going like this.

Note I’m calling it an energy. I have no idea what else to call it. I could probably call it anything I wanted, since it’s something that has no physical manifestation. It’s like gravity. No one knows what gravity is, we just kind of know what it does.

Leaders of all kinds use this energy.  Let’s take spiritual leaders for example. Have you ever actually wondered how the hell one person could just create a religion out of thin air with no scientific backing whatsoever, and then have millions of people follow it?  It happens all the time, all around us. It’s an energy that is charismatic. And it appears that I have that energy inside of me. It’s just been dormant.

I keep finding myself depressed, wishing I could unsee it.  I know I have a long journey ahead, and it’s a gruesome one. My body currently can’t handle this energy. It’s taking forever to adjust. I have no idea if it ever will adjust, because I might just be batshit insane. But part of seeing this energy is realizing that I am in fact sane. My thoughts create my reality, so if I decided right now that I was not crazy, then guess what would happen? I would think I’m not crazy.

Another way I like to describe this is by using the “third eye” metaphor. I like that symbol a lot , because that is what this is like. As if a third eye is opening in my head. I’m seeing some sort of energy that no one else can see. I’m seeing…my own mind.

It all just seems so simple in theory. If we could all observe our own minds, from a third outside perspective, what would happen? What power would that give us? And that is exactly what I’m discovering. I just feel like I’m only at the tip of the iceburg, and there’s so much more I’m not seeing. I’m still standing at the beginning. There’s so much more.

I’m seeing everything. That is the best way to describe it. Did I mean for this to happen to me? Not at all. All I did about a year ago was watch a video on YouTube about the double slit experiment. I just thought it was nuts, so I dived more in depth to figure out if I was actually interpreting it right. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I went on a trip where I stayed in the jungle for 2 weeks. Then I sat on a meditation cushion at a temple. Then the person I was in love with, who I didn’t think would ever fall in love with me, decided to be with me. And now I’m off my medication, I just had surgery, I just gave up my career, and I have literally no idea just what the fuck is happening to me.

I see how the world works. I never realized it before, I never saw it before…and I still feel like I only see a little bit of it. There’s still so much to learn. I’ve discovered that I’m limited to my perspective of the world: that however I chose to see it, dictates exactly what it is. Right now, I’m choosing to see it with curiosity, as if I’m a child. And it’s causing me to see beyond what I ever thought I could.

People who find themselves bored with this reality, have no idea just how fun and amazing it can be, because they have labeled it as boring. People who find themselves hating this reality, will just hate it, because that’s what they’ve decided to do. People can even decide to be happy about this reality, which is probably the better option. But it’s not one I pick…I’m picking to be curious about it. And it’s opening doors.

Doors just keep opening everywhere, and I’m frozen still, not sure what one to pick. I’m trying to calculate what door is right, but I know I need to go through lots of them, because none of them are right. They are just paths. There are so many paths in life. And I can take whatever one I want. I never had that power before. That power comes with seeing this energy, or opening your third eye, or whatever you want to call it.

Each path- not one has more merit over the other. You can create your own merits, using your own reasoning, but you know that it’s nothing more than that. In reality, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, so do what you want !

Its completely overwhelming me, and its also depressing me. Life would technically be easier if there were only a few paths to take. And that is what a lot of people do- they pick a path and walk it, completely satisfied like that. I’m depressed because I can’t go back to that easy way of life. Even if I said tomorrow, “Fuck I’m sick”, and decided to go back on medication to numb myself and turn off all these spiritual revelations, I wouldn’t forget what I saw. I wouldn’t forget what I wrote here. It would just eat me alive until I did something about it. So I have no choice. I have no choice but to do something with this vibrant energy that I see. And this energy that I see…it’s all inside of me. It’s bursting out at such strong intervals, my body can’t handle it. I can’t wait to see if this is actually a spiritual awakening, or if I really am just sick. I don’t know, but I do know this: I’m feeling quite excited to be taking the journey to find out.