Some days, when I wake up in the morning, I experience severe depressive thoughts. It can feel as if I’ve been born for the first time. Inside, my brain is crying like a newborn child. It’s as if my brain has to readjust itself to reality, it’s all jumbled up, and it makes it hard to put a shirt over my head. My brain has to relearn how to process reality, every single morning, as if it forgot during the night.
As my brain wakes up, it will search for reasons that I feel this way. It can range from “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night” to “I’m not meant to be here.” In the past, my coping mechanism was to just forget about the thoughts, and get myself out the door. This worked well, for most of my life. But not ago, it stopped working. I began wondering what would happen if I listened to some of the thoughts. The ones I wondered most about were the ones that told me “I hate my job, I hate going to work, I hate being on time, I’m not fit for work. I want to do something else.”
So I was able to adjust my life . Right now, I am currently living a life where these thoughts are allowed to manifest. I go to university, and I don’t technically have to be on time for any of my classes. Instead of taking classes that benefit me in the future, I’m taking classes I’m truly interested in right now instead. This helps give me a sense that I have control over my reality. And after finishing my exams, I didn’t have work for a long time…so when I woke up in the morning, I literally had nothing to do. I felt free for the first time in my life, and what I discovered was interesting. I have found out a couple of things:
- If you have depressive thoughts, they will manifest REGARDLESS of the situation. It doesn’t matter if you have to work 9-5 every single day, or have all the freedom in the world, or anywhere in between. They will still manifest. Changing my life around to give myself more freedom did not take away the thoughts.
- Depressive thoughts are full of excuses. As I’ve already mentioned above, a huge excuse for me to feel so depressed was my job. After I took away my job, I STILL had the thoughts. Even the excuse “I didn’t sleep well last night” doesn’t work, they manifest whether I sleep 10 hours or 3 hours.
- Your brain wants to know why its having depressive thoughts, so it attaches the thoughts to absurd, untrue excuses in order to make sense of it. As already mentioned, these can range from “I hate my job” to “I hate being alive” to “I wouldn’t have these thoughts if I had ____” or “Everything is boring and mundane.” It’s hard to recognize any of this as being untrue until you actually see outside of it. No lifestyle changes will take away depressive thoughts, because they are NOT dependent on your life. Someone else could be in your exact same position and be the happiest person alive. Not only that, your hateful thoughts are casting an emotional lense on reality, when reality itself is free from this lens. Reality just is.
These thoughts are like being in the matrix. They are all you can see, they are addictive, and its the only way your brain can make sense of what is happening. The freedom begins when you can observe your thoughts without judgment. When you can just stop attaching them on your circumstances and see them for what they actually are- just simply thoughts.
Of course this is tough, when all you’re accustomed to seeing is your thoughts. This is why I do not at all regret adjusting my life to allow myself more freedom. When you’re able to actually experience the fact that your thoughts are not real, it is a huge game changer. But you can’t actually experience it through logic. If you wake up and go to the same job every single day, and your brain is telling you that your job is bad, how are you supposed to know if that’s true or not until you actually take a break from your job?
This is why I encourage that, alongside your meditation, you do give yourself freedom. This is why I encourage that you find ways to step outside of your every day reality, so you can actually experience what its like to be outside of what your brain is accustomed to. All it takes is one experience of seeing reality outside of how you perceive it to change your life forever.
Every day, it gets easier for me to wake up. I can now see my thoughts for what they really are, and I can allow them the freedom to roam, without getting too attached. I can sip coffee and watch the sunrise now. I still feel like a newborn baby waking up sometimes, but not always one that cries. Rather, one that can only gawk at this beautiful universe around me, that is so huge I can’t even begin to fathom it.