I’ve struggled with depression for 13 years and I’m finally HEALED!

TW: This is an in depth discussion about suicidal ideation, but a positive one.

This morning, I am sobbing.

Ever since drinking Ayahuasca, I have not had a single suicidal thought.

My intrusive thoughts were always the worst in the morning.

Every single morning, for the past 13 years, I had to face awful thoughts waking up. And this did not depend on what I was doing that day. I could have the day off with nothing to do, and I would still face the intrusive thoughts.

Right now, its especially crazy, because during the first week before my period starts, my thoughts would always get 1000% worse. I was diagnosed with PMDD. All my trips to the ER this year, have been on the week before my period, because my thoughts became so bad, I could no longer keep myself safe.

It is the week before my period. My uterus hurts. And my mind is quiet.

This is the biggest change in my health ever since drinking Ayahuasca. I no longer want to die- every part of me wants to live.

When you suffer from depression or something similar to it, it’s like you’re floating through existence. You’re not part of it, not really engaged.

You may wonder why you’re even here. And finding meaning in your existence is the hardest task to do on this planet.

I can guarantee you that 100% of people who experience suicidal ideation have contemplated their existence, over and over again.

And the only thing they’ve been able to find is their loved ones. Whether its a person or their pet, often they find a friend to live for. This is lovely, until they feel like no one cares about them, when they feel alone, the effects can be devastating.

Most people react to this by assuring the suicidal person is not alone. Psychologists will teach you coping skills . Christians will tell you that God is watching over you, so you’re not alone. Self care advocates will tell you to love yourself and learn to enjoy your solitude by taking a nice bath and writing in a gratitude journal. Positive nihilists will shrug and tell you “No one cares? That’s great! You can do whatever you want!”. Mindfulness experts will tell you to stop clinging to your loneliness and focus on your breath. Buddhists will tell you to face the loneliness and become friends with it.

You will get all sorts of reactions, all sorts of advice, to deal with your suicidal ideation. And trust me, I’ve tried them all. They all worked, to an extent. There wasn’t really any advice that was particularly bad- though I found Buddhist teachings the most helpful. And when you combine them all, you build a super shield against the thoughts.

But no matter what shield you put up, they are still there, and every single day your carrying the heavy shield. Even if you place the shield down and become friends with your thoughts, like any close friendship, there’s still going to be days where it’s hard as fuck to have them around.

When this happens, we are always left with the one thing that keeps us on this planet: our loved ones. Out of all the searching our minds do to find meaning to our existence, our loved ones are the only thing we can find. So you have to ask yourself- what’s the point of all these coping skills, all this breathing, all this learning, if in the end, the only meaning to your existence is your loved ones, which may not even be around, or your brain may perceive yourself as being a burden to?

You can try loving yourself all you want, but you know deep down inside you wish you were loved back. You can meditate all you want, you can gain all the riches you want, but you know that your still a tiny speck sitting on a dying planet in the middle of space. You can take all the antidepressants you want, but it will just creep back on you, and the side effects of those medications are often just as bad as the depression itself.

Yeah, its hard. It is incredibly hard to get yourself out of depression, which is why it is considered an illness that you have to carry with you for the rest of your life.

But actually, you don’t have to.

Ever since drinking Ayahuasca is there is no way I can return to having depression. It is impossible, since she showed me what death is like. And when you can experience death, you will realize just how precious life is. She showed me I had a soul- something that you need to experience in order to believe. She showed me that there is no true “afterlife”, there is just another way of being.

Which means that here is also a way of being.

All those people you see, who don’t struggle with suicidal ideation, are just being. They are just living life, without thinking too hard about what they are doing. And it’s not because they are stupid, it’s not because they are healthy. It’s because they are just existing, and that is what you will always be doing, just existing. We were just equipped in this life with the capability to suffer, but even suffering, can be turned into being.

It may be hard to accept that the meaning of life is to just be. But trust me, when you’re in another form, you won’t be questioning the meaning of life. Do you think if you were a cat, you would care that much about what you’re doing? No, you wouldn’t. You would just sleep for 16 hours a day and that would be your life.

When you suffer from suicidal ideation, you don’t even realize that you’re actually still engaged in being. If you fight thoughts of suicide all your life, that is your way of being. You’re just being. You have no idea, but you’re already engaged in the meaning of life without even knowing it.

But you can change your way of being. Suicidal thoughts and depression are indeed a hard way to be, so you can change that. You can focus in on the moment- because you will never be the same way as you are in this very moment.

But you need to connect to the moment without your ego, because your ego was not designed to be, it was designed to keep you alive, so you can experience this way of being. You need to just fully be in the moment, without judgement. You need to just BE.

All those suicidal thoughts, are actually love in disguise. It’s actually your brain and ego trying to keep you alive, because they love you. It doesn’t want you to suffer, so it wants to calm you and assure you there is a way out. But the second you actually start to commit the act, that is when your ego will panic.

You will realize that all along, your mind never wanted to kill you. Your mind was never against you. It only wanted to make you feel loved and happy.

No matter how much you think you do, you don’t actually want to die. You just want to live a happy life. You just want your mind to be peaceful and still. It’s trying it’s best to do that for you, but it doesn’t know how. So it’s up to you to teach it how.

When your ego gets ripped apart, you have no choice but to just be. There’s nothing else to do. And in life, you can do the same thing.

So go turn on your video games. Go do something unproductive. Go do whatever it is you want to do, and challenge yourself NOT to judge yourself for it.

Whatever it is you’re doing right now, just let yourself be.

Don’t become invested in thoughts of “Oh god I’m procrastinating”, or “Oh god I’m so unproductive and lazy”, “Oh god I’m not taking care of myself at all”.

Just…be. And after awhile, you will become more in touch with your body, and you’ll naturally be able to take care of yourself more.

Enjoy the beautiful moment you’re in.

-Shunya Rose

Is it all really in your head- or can darkness exist outside of you?

Today, my mind was jumbled to pieces. I was engrossed by darkness, a darkness so huge that it wanted me to commit suicide, right then and there. A darkness that told me I had to isolate myself away from all my friends and family, a darkness that told me I was unworthy of being alive. I was overtaken with frustrated emptiness, a physical heaviness in my body. I was suffocating from loneliness.

It is not a new darkness at all, it is one I felt all my life. The darkness told me that I could never escape it, that it would follow me everywhere I went. That it would always penetrate through my skin, no matter what I did. It told me I was aging, that there is no point in continuing, that I’ve done all I can with my life here.

My heart was racing, as if it was aware that darkness had entered my mind. I felt terrified of myself. It wasn’t just my heart that was terrified- but it was also my brain itself. Thoughts circled in my mind, trying to find a way around the darkness. It was clinging to logical statements, i.e, “Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more.”. It also clung to life changes I could make that would help, i.e, moving out of my house. It searched and searched for whatever thoughts it could, to fight the darkness.

I’ve already discovered that the neurons in my brain don’t want to die. On the verge of actual death, I can feel each cell in my brain do whatever it takes to call out to the cells in my body, in a desperate attempt to revive itself. And now, I’ve discovered, that even when my brain is telling me to die, it’s still trying to keep me alive.

A huge question I have is…is this darkness actually my brain? The more I learn about my brain cells, I constantly question if that darkness is actually me, as in, my ego construct. If they are actually thoughts constructed by my brain cells themselves.

The logical conclusion is that its old brain patterns. I grew up coping with stress by indulging in suicidal idealization. So it’s easy to say that its my old thought processes are acting out in some sort of dark dance. But the more I observe this dark dance, the more I realize, the entirety of my mind and body are actually actively fighting against it. And that fight is the reason why I’m still here today.

I can’t help but to believe I’m picking up some signal in the atmosphere, some sort of energy, that is not my brain. I can’t help but to think the darkness is actually outside of me, rather than in me, like insects biting my skin.

This thought goes against everything I believe.

I’m all about pointing fingers at myself for everything I do. I’m all about self growth and self realization, I’m all about taking responsibility for myself.

So to consider that a darkness could originate from outside of my consciousness is crazy. But if I get stung by a wasp, and my skin swells up, what good is it going to do to think my skin swelled up on its own?

When my skin swells up, its trying to protect me from a poison that entered me from the outside. What if the heaviness in my body, my heart racing, the deep depression and need for isolation, my brain racing in circles trying to figure out solutions…what if my entire body is trying to protect me?

What if the darkness is like a wasp, and it tries to sting me, tries to take me over, and my body is fighting it? Is it really that crazy of an idea? Could there be some sort of energy in the air…and I’m easily infected by it, while others are not?

The only problem is I have no way to prove that there is a darkness outside of me. At least, for now. If I keep doing energy work, and observing it, maybe I can figure out what it is. Since I frequently plummet into pits of darkness, I am my best test subject to studying what exactly it is.

It’s silly, that many people are born here with the ability to do so much. I often wish I could do more for others than what I do. I want to help society and extent a helping hand. I also want to save the environment. I want to leave goodness behind. But instead, I’ve been fighting darkness, all my life. And it’s all internal darkness, so no one can see it. It’s so embedded in me, it’s all I can write about. I can’t do anything useful, but fight my darkness.

I say fight, but I no longer fight it like how I used it. I no longer label it like how I used to. I just let it be. I keep letting it take me over, to show it that I’m not afraid. There is room for the darkness inside of me. What I’m fighting is the urge to block out the light too.

I am an open door, and I will always be open. So darkness can come in though the front door, but it will quickly find its way out the back door. There is no shelter here.

There is something I read that stuck out to me- it was written by a Peruvian shaman. Apparently, there is darkness in this world. I can try not labeling energies all I want, but darkness still exists. If it really exists, outside my ego, outside what I label as darkness, then I definitely know it.

I want to make my mind and body a home for the light. But I’m conflicted on whether there is a light and a darkness at all, if I need to even think in these black and white terms. If you break through the duality, you’ll realize that darkness is light, light is darkness, there is no separation between the two. This thought makes the most sense to me. What doesn’t make sense is even when I’m aware of this, I still feel darkness.

The only time I truly can’t feel darkness, is when I’m not aware of anything at all…or I’m too aware…a deep meditative state that transcends duality.

I ended up doing a yoga practice, and it was by far my hardest one yet. I could barely lift my arms, my body felt so heavy. At the end, I felt a moment where my mind was clear. And I was able to feel the light again. The answer was there all along.

The answer is live, not think. The answer is a clarity of mind. The answer is that there are no answers, just live. Just breathe. The universe will work itself out. What is meant to happen will happen, so I can just lay back and live.

Interestingly enough, when your mind is clear- and the seconds before you die- you feel the light. As if attachment to thoughts can create darkness: as if attachments give a free tickets to the darkness. Only in a meditative, clean slate of mind, will you realize that all your thoughts fundamentally don’t matter. And not at all in a depressing way- in the lightest, joyful way possible. And there is no more darkness.

There is peace, so much peace.

I may never understand why this is. Perhaps its because my ego protects itself against dark energy, but when I surpass my ego, there is no longer any protection. The darkness finally penetrates me, but so does every other energy imaginable. And somehow, I’m lifted toward the brightest light.

I’ve got about 2.5 weeks before I take Ayachausca. The darkness does not want me to take it. In fact, its going to do everything it possibly can to stray me away from it. Excuses keep happening in my brain, “It’s too much money”, “You’re too sick to take it”, “It’s unsafe and you’re going to die.”, “It’s going to show you horrible things”, “You’re not ready.”. But when my mind is at its clearest, I can hear the plant calling me. I can understand that no matter what happens, I will be okay, and I am ready, and that this is my destiny, and I must not be afraid.

-Shunya Rose

 

 

 

How depression lies to you

Some days, when I wake up in the morning, I experience severe depressive thoughts. It can feel as if I’ve been born for the first time. Inside, my brain is crying like a newborn child. It’s as if my brain has to readjust itself to reality, it’s all jumbled up, and it makes it hard to put a shirt over my head. My brain has to relearn how to process reality, every single morning, as if it forgot during the night.

As my brain wakes up, it will search for reasons that I feel this way. It can range from “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night” to “I’m not meant to be here.” In the past, my coping mechanism was to just forget about the thoughts, and get myself out the door. This worked well, for most of my life. But not ago, it stopped working. I began wondering what would happen if I listened to some of the thoughts. The ones I wondered most about were the ones that told me “I hate my job, I hate going to work, I hate being on time, I’m not fit for work. I want to do something else.”

So I was able to adjust my life . Right now, I am currently living a life where these thoughts are allowed to manifest. I go to university, and I don’t technically have to be on time for any of my classes. Instead of taking classes that benefit me in the future, I’m taking classes I’m truly interested in right now instead. This helps give me a sense that I have control over my reality. And after finishing my exams, I didn’t have work for a long time…so when I woke up in the morning, I literally had nothing to do. I felt free for the first time in my life, and what I discovered was interesting. I have found out a couple of things:

  1. If you have depressive thoughts, they will manifest REGARDLESS of the situation. It doesn’t matter if you have to work 9-5 every single day, or have all the freedom in the world, or anywhere in between. They will still manifest. Changing my life around to give myself more freedom did not take away the thoughts.
  2. Depressive thoughts are full of excuses. As I’ve already mentioned above, a huge excuse for me to feel so depressed was my job. After I took away my job, I STILL had the thoughts. Even the excuse “I didn’t sleep well last night” doesn’t work, they manifest whether I sleep 10 hours or 3 hours.
  3. Your brain wants to know why its having depressive thoughts, so it attaches the thoughts to absurd, untrue excuses in order to make sense of it. As already mentioned, these can range from “I hate my job” to “I hate being alive” to “I wouldn’t have these thoughts if I had ____” or “Everything is boring and mundane.” It’s hard to recognize any of this as being untrue until you actually see outside of it. No lifestyle changes will take away depressive thoughts, because they are NOT dependent on your life. Someone else could be in your exact same position and be the happiest person alive. Not only that, your hateful thoughts are casting an emotional lense on reality, when reality itself is free from this lens. Reality just is.

These thoughts are like being in the matrix. They are all you can see, they are addictive, and its the only way your brain can make sense of what is happening. The freedom begins when you can observe your thoughts without judgment. When you can just stop attaching them on your circumstances and see them for what they actually are- just simply thoughts.

Of course this is tough, when all you’re accustomed to seeing is your thoughts. This is why I do not at all regret adjusting my life to allow myself more freedom. When you’re able to actually experience the fact that your thoughts are not real, it is a huge game changer. But you can’t actually experience it through logic. If you wake up and go to the same job every single day, and your brain is telling you that your job is bad, how are you supposed to know if that’s true or not until you actually take a break from your job?

This is why I encourage that, alongside your meditation, you do give yourself freedom. This is why I encourage that you find ways to step outside of your every day reality, so you can actually experience what its like to be outside of what your brain is accustomed to. All it takes is one experience of seeing reality outside of how you perceive it to change your life forever.

Every day, it gets easier for me to wake up. I can now see my thoughts for what they really are, and I can allow them the freedom to roam, without getting too attached. I can sip coffee and watch the sunrise now. I still feel like a newborn baby waking up sometimes, but not always one that cries. Rather, one that can only gawk at this beautiful universe around me, that is so huge I can’t even begin to fathom it.

-Shunya Rose

Woke up feeling like dying? Do this.

Write down all the reasons WHY you feel like dying. Here are some examples:

I have no money. 

I have no job. 

No one cares about me.

I don’t want to be here. 

I wish my life wasn’t like this. 

Next, cross out each thought and replace it with an affirmation or an objective truth, even if you don’t believe it at the time.  You can write the logical reason why your affirmation is true to help you believe in the statement.

I have no money. Money is abundant.

This is the truth. Money is the most abundant resource on this planet. It is the one resource that will never disappear as long as you’re here. It is renewable.

No one cares about me.  People care about you.

Why don’t you call a family member or a friend this morning? Someone cares about you, you just can’t see it right now. I care about you.

I don’t want to be here.  You are here.

Removing your thoughts on the situation can help you see it more clearly. You are here, regardless of what you think of this place. Feel this moment, feel the environment. It’s not as scary as it feels, it just is.

I wish my life wasn’t like this.   I like my life the way it is.

Of course, it’s okay to also like your life and not like your life. Both can be true at once, don’t forget this. Another piece of wisdom I have for you is that if you can find ways to like your life right now, then you will always like your life, since your life only happens in the now.

When you don’t believe an affirmation is true, act as if it is. You can ask yourself- if these affirmations were true, what would I do? And then act on it.

Go easy on yourself this morning. Just do what you can, even if its just breathing. One thing I would recommend is to meditate. Turn off all distractions and just sit somewhere.  If you can’t sit anywhere, do it while you’re walking. I suggest opening your eyes, to take in your environment.  Focus on each breath you take. Feel how it goes up your nose and out your mouth. Check in with your body- how does it feel?

And of course, have a sip of coffee. Focus on how it tastes. Isn’t it delicious?

If anything, coffee is always worth waking up for.

white cup filled by coffee
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