Is it all really in your head- or can darkness exist outside of you?

Today, my mind was jumbled to pieces. I was engrossed by darkness, a darkness so huge that it wanted me to commit suicide, right then and there. A darkness that told me I had to isolate myself away from all my friends and family, a darkness that told me I was unworthy of being alive. I was overtaken with frustrated emptiness, a physical heaviness in my body. I was suffocating from loneliness.

It is not a new darkness at all, it is one I felt all my life. The darkness told me that I could never escape it, that it would follow me everywhere I went. That it would always penetrate through my skin, no matter what I did. It told me I was aging, that there is no point in continuing, that I’ve done all I can with my life here.

My heart was racing, as if it was aware that darkness had entered my mind. I felt terrified of myself. It wasn’t just my heart that was terrified- but it was also my brain itself. Thoughts circled in my mind, trying to find a way around the darkness. It was clinging to logical statements, i.e, “Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more.”. It also clung to life changes I could make that would help, i.e, moving out of my house. It searched and searched for whatever thoughts it could, to fight the darkness.

I’ve already discovered that the neurons in my brain don’t want to die. On the verge of actual death, I can feel each cell in my brain do whatever it takes to call out to the cells in my body, in a desperate attempt to revive itself. And now, I’ve discovered, that even when my brain is telling me to die, it’s still trying to keep me alive.

A huge question I have is…is this darkness actually my brain? The more I learn about my brain cells, I constantly question if that darkness is actually me, as in, my ego construct. If they are actually thoughts constructed by my brain cells themselves.

The logical conclusion is that its old brain patterns. I grew up coping with stress by indulging in suicidal idealization. So it’s easy to say that its my old thought processes are acting out in some sort of dark dance. But the more I observe this dark dance, the more I realize, the entirety of my mind and body are actually actively fighting against it. And that fight is the reason why I’m still here today.

I can’t help but to believe I’m picking up some signal in the atmosphere, some sort of energy, that is not my brain. I can’t help but to think the darkness is actually outside of me, rather than in me, like insects biting my skin.

This thought goes against everything I believe.

I’m all about pointing fingers at myself for everything I do. I’m all about self growth and self realization, I’m all about taking responsibility for myself.

So to consider that a darkness could originate from outside of my consciousness is crazy. But if I get stung by a wasp, and my skin swells up, what good is it going to do to think my skin swelled up on its own?

When my skin swells up, its trying to protect me from a poison that entered me from the outside. What if the heaviness in my body, my heart racing, the deep depression and need for isolation, my brain racing in circles trying to figure out solutions…what if my entire body is trying to protect me?

What if the darkness is like a wasp, and it tries to sting me, tries to take me over, and my body is fighting it? Is it really that crazy of an idea? Could there be some sort of energy in the air…and I’m easily infected by it, while others are not?

The only problem is I have no way to prove that there is a darkness outside of me. At least, for now. If I keep doing energy work, and observing it, maybe I can figure out what it is. Since I frequently plummet into pits of darkness, I am my best test subject to studying what exactly it is.

It’s silly, that many people are born here with the ability to do so much. I often wish I could do more for others than what I do. I want to help society and extent a helping hand. I also want to save the environment. I want to leave goodness behind. But instead, I’ve been fighting darkness, all my life. And it’s all internal darkness, so no one can see it. It’s so embedded in me, it’s all I can write about. I can’t do anything useful, but fight my darkness.

I say fight, but I no longer fight it like how I used it. I no longer label it like how I used to. I just let it be. I keep letting it take me over, to show it that I’m not afraid. There is room for the darkness inside of me. What I’m fighting is the urge to block out the light too.

I am an open door, and I will always be open. So darkness can come in though the front door, but it will quickly find its way out the back door. There is no shelter here.

There is something I read that stuck out to me- it was written by a Peruvian shaman. Apparently, there is darkness in this world. I can try not labeling energies all I want, but darkness still exists. If it really exists, outside my ego, outside what I label as darkness, then I definitely know it.

I want to make my mind and body a home for the light. But I’m conflicted on whether there is a light and a darkness at all, if I need to even think in these black and white terms. If you break through the duality, you’ll realize that darkness is light, light is darkness, there is no separation between the two. This thought makes the most sense to me. What doesn’t make sense is even when I’m aware of this, I still feel darkness.

The only time I truly can’t feel darkness, is when I’m not aware of anything at all…or I’m too aware…a deep meditative state that transcends duality.

I ended up doing a yoga practice, and it was by far my hardest one yet. I could barely lift my arms, my body felt so heavy. At the end, I felt a moment where my mind was clear. And I was able to feel the light again. The answer was there all along.

The answer is live, not think. The answer is a clarity of mind. The answer is that there are no answers, just live. Just breathe. The universe will work itself out. What is meant to happen will happen, so I can just lay back and live.

Interestingly enough, when your mind is clear- and the seconds before you die- you feel the light. As if attachment to thoughts can create darkness: as if attachments give a free tickets to the darkness. Only in a meditative, clean slate of mind, will you realize that all your thoughts fundamentally don’t matter. And not at all in a depressing way- in the lightest, joyful way possible. And there is no more darkness.

There is peace, so much peace.

I may never understand why this is. Perhaps its because my ego protects itself against dark energy, but when I surpass my ego, there is no longer any protection. The darkness finally penetrates me, but so does every other energy imaginable. And somehow, I’m lifted toward the brightest light.

I’ve got about 2.5 weeks before I take Ayachausca. The darkness does not want me to take it. In fact, its going to do everything it possibly can to stray me away from it. Excuses keep happening in my brain, “It’s too much money”, “You’re too sick to take it”, “It’s unsafe and you’re going to die.”, “It’s going to show you horrible things”, “You’re not ready.”. But when my mind is at its clearest, I can hear the plant calling me. I can understand that no matter what happens, I will be okay, and I am ready, and that this is my destiny, and I must not be afraid.

-Shunya Rose

 

 

 

You are a cellular network.

Last night, I felt my soul trying to escape out of me.

Except it wasn’t quite my soul, it was just my concept of me.

I realized that I truly do not know anything, and it’s useless trying to discern my reality using my mind itself. I am but a network of neurons, all functioning together, in one particular manner, and when it loses functionality in that particular manner, panic arises inside my chest.

I now understand what it feels like before you die. You lose grip of your entire body. It will shake in response, as your brain tries to regain control. You’re overwhelmed with intense fear, as your ego loses control of the body.

I know logically, I have nothing to fear. Because even if I lose awareness, my very basic drives in my brain stem will continue to run, unconsciously.

The entirety of my brain, especially my prefrontal cortex, loses its survival organization, and that’s what causes the fear response. This survival organization is called the ego.

It’s terrifying, to observe your consciousness slip away from you. It’s a feeling you can’t quite conceptualize or explain until it’s actually happening. And it’s not near as terrifying to think about, as it is to actually be in it.

I’ve realized I have a really solid ego. My brain organization is incredibly solid, it’s glued together and doesn’t want to be pulled apart. My neurons are living in harmony. This makes me appreciate my ego, because its what has been keeping me alive all these years. It’s what keeps me from killing myself, because my neurons truly do not want to lose their formation. They want to stay as they are. It’s such a tight formation, that it’s causing me deep fear to take Ayachausca.

But I want to do this. I know I want to do this. Even if I’m terrified during the loss of ego, the effects afterwards are always worth it.

Another thing I noticed is that my ego has a dark side. It’s heavy with thoughts that don’t even matter. It analyzes the same information, over and over again. This is what causes my every day fatigue. My brain is on overdrive, trying to figure out its reality.

The joke is that it can’t. It can’t possibly figure out it’s reality. My consciousness is merely a strong network of neurons, it’s so strong that there’s no way it can see outside of itself.

Yet another thing is the absolute truth of this statement. I am just a fragile, totally biological existence. I am a mere cellular network. I have an internal map of how this network is supposed to work. And I will panic if this network malfunctions. And my body will do whatever it takes to reboot the network and return to homeostasis.

I’m hoping to achieve true ego death and come back. I have yet to experience what happens after your ego dies. All this time, I’ve only experienced ego malfunctions, then my ego turned back on. I have yet to experience the full thing.

I have yet to truly let go of myself.

I feel as if myself is already one that has let go of everything, but that is just my ego talking.

Every thing I conceive of is my ego- this cellular network in my head. If I think I’ve let go, I haven’t let go.

I must fully abandon the idea that I can understand reality. I must fully abandon the idea that I can cognitively determine what reality is. All this searching for answers inside my head, are just thoughts, going around in a circle. I am inside a limited, biological body, of which there is no “I am.”

And that is okay.

How depression lies to you

Some days, when I wake up in the morning, I experience severe depressive thoughts. It can feel as if I’ve been born for the first time. Inside, my brain is crying like a newborn child. It’s as if my brain has to readjust itself to reality, it’s all jumbled up, and it makes it hard to put a shirt over my head. My brain has to relearn how to process reality, every single morning, as if it forgot during the night.

As my brain wakes up, it will search for reasons that I feel this way. It can range from “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night” to “I’m not meant to be here.” In the past, my coping mechanism was to just forget about the thoughts, and get myself out the door. This worked well, for most of my life. But not ago, it stopped working. I began wondering what would happen if I listened to some of the thoughts. The ones I wondered most about were the ones that told me “I hate my job, I hate going to work, I hate being on time, I’m not fit for work. I want to do something else.”

So I was able to adjust my life . Right now, I am currently living a life where these thoughts are allowed to manifest. I go to university, and I don’t technically have to be on time for any of my classes. Instead of taking classes that benefit me in the future, I’m taking classes I’m truly interested in right now instead. This helps give me a sense that I have control over my reality. And after finishing my exams, I didn’t have work for a long time…so when I woke up in the morning, I literally had nothing to do. I felt free for the first time in my life, and what I discovered was interesting. I have found out a couple of things:

  1. If you have depressive thoughts, they will manifest REGARDLESS of the situation. It doesn’t matter if you have to work 9-5 every single day, or have all the freedom in the world, or anywhere in between. They will still manifest. Changing my life around to give myself more freedom did not take away the thoughts.
  2. Depressive thoughts are full of excuses. As I’ve already mentioned above, a huge excuse for me to feel so depressed was my job. After I took away my job, I STILL had the thoughts. Even the excuse “I didn’t sleep well last night” doesn’t work, they manifest whether I sleep 10 hours or 3 hours.
  3. Your brain wants to know why its having depressive thoughts, so it attaches the thoughts to absurd, untrue excuses in order to make sense of it. As already mentioned, these can range from “I hate my job” to “I hate being alive” to “I wouldn’t have these thoughts if I had ____” or “Everything is boring and mundane.” It’s hard to recognize any of this as being untrue until you actually see outside of it. No lifestyle changes will take away depressive thoughts, because they are NOT dependent on your life. Someone else could be in your exact same position and be the happiest person alive. Not only that, your hateful thoughts are casting an emotional lense on reality, when reality itself is free from this lens. Reality just is.

These thoughts are like being in the matrix. They are all you can see, they are addictive, and its the only way your brain can make sense of what is happening. The freedom begins when you can observe your thoughts without judgment. When you can just stop attaching them on your circumstances and see them for what they actually are- just simply thoughts.

Of course this is tough, when all you’re accustomed to seeing is your thoughts. This is why I do not at all regret adjusting my life to allow myself more freedom. When you’re able to actually experience the fact that your thoughts are not real, it is a huge game changer. But you can’t actually experience it through logic. If you wake up and go to the same job every single day, and your brain is telling you that your job is bad, how are you supposed to know if that’s true or not until you actually take a break from your job?

This is why I encourage that, alongside your meditation, you do give yourself freedom. This is why I encourage that you find ways to step outside of your every day reality, so you can actually experience what its like to be outside of what your brain is accustomed to. All it takes is one experience of seeing reality outside of how you perceive it to change your life forever.

Every day, it gets easier for me to wake up. I can now see my thoughts for what they really are, and I can allow them the freedom to roam, without getting too attached. I can sip coffee and watch the sunrise now. I still feel like a newborn baby waking up sometimes, but not always one that cries. Rather, one that can only gawk at this beautiful universe around me, that is so huge I can’t even begin to fathom it.

-Shunya Rose

Woke up feeling like dying? Do this.

Write down all the reasons WHY you feel like dying. Here are some examples:

I have no money. 

I have no job. 

No one cares about me.

I don’t want to be here. 

I wish my life wasn’t like this. 

Next, cross out each thought and replace it with an affirmation or an objective truth, even if you don’t believe it at the time.  You can write the logical reason why your affirmation is true to help you believe in the statement.

I have no money. Money is abundant.

This is the truth. Money is the most abundant resource on this planet. It is the one resource that will never disappear as long as you’re here. It is renewable.

No one cares about me.  People care about you.

Why don’t you call a family member or a friend this morning? Someone cares about you, you just can’t see it right now. I care about you.

I don’t want to be here.  You are here.

Removing your thoughts on the situation can help you see it more clearly. You are here, regardless of what you think of this place. Feel this moment, feel the environment. It’s not as scary as it feels, it just is.

I wish my life wasn’t like this.   I like my life the way it is.

Of course, it’s okay to also like your life and not like your life. Both can be true at once, don’t forget this. Another piece of wisdom I have for you is that if you can find ways to like your life right now, then you will always like your life, since your life only happens in the now.

When you don’t believe an affirmation is true, act as if it is. You can ask yourself- if these affirmations were true, what would I do? And then act on it.

Go easy on yourself this morning. Just do what you can, even if its just breathing. One thing I would recommend is to meditate. Turn off all distractions and just sit somewhere.  If you can’t sit anywhere, do it while you’re walking. I suggest opening your eyes, to take in your environment.  Focus on each breath you take. Feel how it goes up your nose and out your mouth. Check in with your body- how does it feel?

And of course, have a sip of coffee. Focus on how it tastes. Isn’t it delicious?

If anything, coffee is always worth waking up for.

white cup filled by coffee
Photo by Jonas Mohamadi on Pexels.com

Our favorite media is a reflection of our inner reality

Watching the same kinds of things I used to love as a teenager is evoking a lot of feelings.

The kinds of media that evoked my attention were ones filled with love and deep psychological suffering. The more the media had the two of these, the more I loved it.

I thought this media was a masterpiece. I thought it portrayed the truth of the human condition. I even played with stories inside my brain that portrayed the exact same kind of theme: love mixed with deep psychological suffering. I would make up characters that were deeply in love, and try to figure out ways to psychologically break them in the worst way possible. Growing up, I did this, over and over again.

I never realized until now, but this portrayed how I felt inside. This media was a reflection of my inner world: which was someone who loved deeply, but was psychologically suffering for it.

I never understood how other people never liked this media. I never understood how people couldn’t feel this kind of media on a deep level. I understand now- and it’s because we are all just living in our own realities.

Our favorite media, our favorite songs, our favorite TV shows, are reflections of our inner reality. They are physical manifestations of it.

This is evoking so much compassion inside of me. I can’t believe that this is how I felt inside. And watching this show now, is causing me a lot of heavy feelings of sadness. I can’t believe I used to feel like that inside. I used to suffer so much, on a daily, and…

I’m no longer suffering. I’ve changed from the inside out, and I’m continuing to change.. I don’t want anyone else to suffer like I have. I want to help people.

While its true that life is suffering, it’s also true that life is joyful. Because we suffer, we can experience joy. And I need to show people this joy. There’s no need to cling to our suffering any longer. There’s no need to be anywhere but the moment.

It doesn’t matter what circumstance you are in, the capacity for joy is there.

It’s always, always there.

What is your favorite media? How does it reflect how you see the world?

What is happening to me?

There are many ways to interpret what’s actually going on with me. I know for sure I’m having a lot of sickness – a sickness one might label as depression. It’s like I am literally sick of a lot of things in my life. The only thing I’m satisfied with are my relationships. Everything else, I’m not. In particular, I’m sick of all my health habits and my career. Sometimes I feel so sick of it , I can’t get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I literally do vomit. It’s crazy. It would be easy to label myself with depression and go to psychiatrist.

But there’s something happening here that I don’t think a psychiatrist could quite diagnose, and its been happening for a long time now. It’s a new inspiration to live life. It’s a glowing beauty, one that I can’t explain to anyone. I can’t always see it of course: but when I do, it’s so vibrant. It’s one I used to only be able to see in my dreams- but now, it’s happening all around me. My dreamworld is manifesting in reality.

If I am depressed, why do I feel so damn happy at the same time?

There are multiple times I see this….energy, and I look around me, and I don’t understand why no one else can see it. I want to tell everyone to open their eyes and LOOK, but how can they, when its something I can’t even see all the time myself? When it’s something I can’t technically see. I feel it, but not in a way I’ve felt anything else. It’s a sense I can’t place into words. And it isn’t just unique to me. I’m realizing that millions of people in the world can also feel it.

There are people out there who use it all the time and they don’t even know it. There are people out there who use it for wonderful things. Some use it to do horrible things. It’s a energy that once you notice, you can literally do anything with it. It’s an extremely powerful energy to see. It’s one that gives you complete control over your reality.

Ever sense I saw it, even though I can’t pinpoint exactly when I saw it, it has caused me to have complete depression. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I can’t go back to my old habits. I can’t ever go back to who I was before. Each time I feel myself indulging in an old habit, it physically hurts. I know I can’t keep going like this.

Note I’m calling it an energy. I have no idea what else to call it. I could probably call it anything I wanted, since it’s something that has no physical manifestation. It’s like gravity. No one knows what gravity is, we just kind of know what it does.

Leaders of all kinds use this energy.  Let’s take spiritual leaders for example. Have you ever actually wondered how the hell one person could just create a religion out of thin air with no scientific backing whatsoever, and then have millions of people follow it?  It happens all the time, all around us. It’s an energy that is charismatic. And it appears that I have that energy inside of me. It’s just been dormant.

I keep finding myself depressed, wishing I could unsee it.  I know I have a long journey ahead, and it’s a gruesome one. My body currently can’t handle this energy. It’s taking forever to adjust. I have no idea if it ever will adjust, because I might just be batshit insane. But part of seeing this energy is realizing that I am in fact sane. My thoughts create my reality, so if I decided right now that I was not crazy, then guess what would happen? I would think I’m not crazy.

Another way I like to describe this is by using the “third eye” metaphor. I like that symbol a lot , because that is what this is like. As if a third eye is opening in my head. I’m seeing some sort of energy that no one else can see. I’m seeing…my own mind.

It all just seems so simple in theory. If we could all observe our own minds, from a third outside perspective, what would happen? What power would that give us? And that is exactly what I’m discovering. I just feel like I’m only at the tip of the iceburg, and there’s so much more I’m not seeing. I’m still standing at the beginning. There’s so much more.

I’m seeing everything. That is the best way to describe it. Did I mean for this to happen to me? Not at all. All I did about a year ago was watch a video on YouTube about the double slit experiment. I just thought it was nuts, so I dived more in depth to figure out if I was actually interpreting it right. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I went on a trip where I stayed in the jungle for 2 weeks. Then I sat on a meditation cushion at a temple. Then the person I was in love with, who I didn’t think would ever fall in love with me, decided to be with me. And now I’m off my medication, I just had surgery, I just gave up my career, and I have literally no idea just what the fuck is happening to me.

I see how the world works. I never realized it before, I never saw it before…and I still feel like I only see a little bit of it. There’s still so much to learn. I’ve discovered that I’m limited to my perspective of the world: that however I chose to see it, dictates exactly what it is. Right now, I’m choosing to see it with curiosity, as if I’m a child. And it’s causing me to see beyond what I ever thought I could.

People who find themselves bored with this reality, have no idea just how fun and amazing it can be, because they have labeled it as boring. People who find themselves hating this reality, will just hate it, because that’s what they’ve decided to do. People can even decide to be happy about this reality, which is probably the better option. But it’s not one I pick…I’m picking to be curious about it. And it’s opening doors.

Doors just keep opening everywhere, and I’m frozen still, not sure what one to pick. I’m trying to calculate what door is right, but I know I need to go through lots of them, because none of them are right. They are just paths. There are so many paths in life. And I can take whatever one I want. I never had that power before. That power comes with seeing this energy, or opening your third eye, or whatever you want to call it.

Each path- not one has more merit over the other. You can create your own merits, using your own reasoning, but you know that it’s nothing more than that. In reality, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, so do what you want !

Its completely overwhelming me, and its also depressing me. Life would technically be easier if there were only a few paths to take. And that is what a lot of people do- they pick a path and walk it, completely satisfied like that. I’m depressed because I can’t go back to that easy way of life. Even if I said tomorrow, “Fuck I’m sick”, and decided to go back on medication to numb myself and turn off all these spiritual revelations, I wouldn’t forget what I saw. I wouldn’t forget what I wrote here. It would just eat me alive until I did something about it. So I have no choice. I have no choice but to do something with this vibrant energy that I see. And this energy that I see…it’s all inside of me. It’s bursting out at such strong intervals, my body can’t handle it. I can’t wait to see if this is actually a spiritual awakening, or if I really am just sick. I don’t know, but I do know this: I’m feeling quite excited to be taking the journey to find out.