You are a cellular network.

Last night, I felt my soul trying to escape out of me.

Except it wasn’t quite my soul, it was just my concept of me.

I realized that I truly do not know anything, and it’s useless trying to discern my reality using my mind itself. I am but a network of neurons, all functioning together, in one particular manner, and when it loses functionality in that particular manner, panic arises inside my chest.

I now understand what it feels like before you die. You lose grip of your entire body. It will shake in response, as your brain tries to regain control. You’re overwhelmed with intense fear, as your ego loses control of the body.

I know logically, I have nothing to fear. Because even if I lose awareness, my very basic drives in my brain stem will continue to run, unconsciously.

The entirety of my brain, especially my prefrontal cortex, loses its survival organization, and that’s what causes the fear response. This survival organization is called the ego.

It’s terrifying, to observe your consciousness slip away from you. It’s a feeling you can’t quite conceptualize or explain until it’s actually happening. And it’s not near as terrifying to think about, as it is to actually be in it.

I’ve realized I have a really solid ego. My brain organization is incredibly solid, it’s glued together and doesn’t want to be pulled apart. My neurons are living in harmony. This makes me appreciate my ego, because its what has been keeping me alive all these years. It’s what keeps me from killing myself, because my neurons truly do not want to lose their formation. They want to stay as they are. It’s such a tight formation, that it’s causing me deep fear to take Ayachausca.

But I want to do this. I know I want to do this. Even if I’m terrified during the loss of ego, the effects afterwards are always worth it.

Another thing I noticed is that my ego has a dark side. It’s heavy with thoughts that don’t even matter. It analyzes the same information, over and over again. This is what causes my every day fatigue. My brain is on overdrive, trying to figure out its reality.

The joke is that it can’t. It can’t possibly figure out it’s reality. My consciousness is merely a strong network of neurons, it’s so strong that there’s no way it can see outside of itself.

Yet another thing is the absolute truth of this statement. I am just a fragile, totally biological existence. I am a mere cellular network. I have an internal map of how this network is supposed to work. And I will panic if this network malfunctions. And my body will do whatever it takes to reboot the network and return to homeostasis.

I’m hoping to achieve true ego death and come back. I have yet to experience what happens after your ego dies. All this time, I’ve only experienced ego malfunctions, then my ego turned back on. I have yet to experience the full thing.

I have yet to truly let go of myself.

I feel as if myself is already one that has let go of everything, but that is just my ego talking.

Every thing I conceive of is my ego- this cellular network in my head. If I think I’ve let go, I haven’t let go.

I must fully abandon the idea that I can understand reality. I must fully abandon the idea that I can cognitively determine what reality is. All this searching for answers inside my head, are just thoughts, going around in a circle. I am inside a limited, biological body, of which there is no “I am.”

And that is okay.

Woke up feeling like dying? Do this.

Write down all the reasons WHY you feel like dying. Here are some examples:

I have no money. 

I have no job. 

No one cares about me.

I don’t want to be here. 

I wish my life wasn’t like this. 

Next, cross out each thought and replace it with an affirmation or an objective truth, even if you don’t believe it at the time.  You can write the logical reason why your affirmation is true to help you believe in the statement.

I have no money. Money is abundant.

This is the truth. Money is the most abundant resource on this planet. It is the one resource that will never disappear as long as you’re here. It is renewable.

No one cares about me.  People care about you.

Why don’t you call a family member or a friend this morning? Someone cares about you, you just can’t see it right now. I care about you.

I don’t want to be here.  You are here.

Removing your thoughts on the situation can help you see it more clearly. You are here, regardless of what you think of this place. Feel this moment, feel the environment. It’s not as scary as it feels, it just is.

I wish my life wasn’t like this.   I like my life the way it is.

Of course, it’s okay to also like your life and not like your life. Both can be true at once, don’t forget this. Another piece of wisdom I have for you is that if you can find ways to like your life right now, then you will always like your life, since your life only happens in the now.

When you don’t believe an affirmation is true, act as if it is. You can ask yourself- if these affirmations were true, what would I do? And then act on it.

Go easy on yourself this morning. Just do what you can, even if its just breathing. One thing I would recommend is to meditate. Turn off all distractions and just sit somewhere.  If you can’t sit anywhere, do it while you’re walking. I suggest opening your eyes, to take in your environment.  Focus on each breath you take. Feel how it goes up your nose and out your mouth. Check in with your body- how does it feel?

And of course, have a sip of coffee. Focus on how it tastes. Isn’t it delicious?

If anything, coffee is always worth waking up for.

white cup filled by coffee
Photo by Jonas Mohamadi on

Our favorite media is a reflection of our inner reality

Watching the same kinds of things I used to love as a teenager is evoking a lot of feelings.

The kinds of media that evoked my attention were ones filled with love and deep psychological suffering. The more the media had the two of these, the more I loved it.

I thought this media was a masterpiece. I thought it portrayed the truth of the human condition. I even played with stories inside my brain that portrayed the exact same kind of theme: love mixed with deep psychological suffering. I would make up characters that were deeply in love, and try to figure out ways to psychologically break them in the worst way possible. Growing up, I did this, over and over again.

I never realized until now, but this portrayed how I felt inside. This media was a reflection of my inner world: which was someone who loved deeply, but was psychologically suffering for it.

I never understood how other people never liked this media. I never understood how people couldn’t feel this kind of media on a deep level. I understand now- and it’s because we are all just living in our own realities.

Our favorite media, our favorite songs, our favorite TV shows, are reflections of our inner reality. They are physical manifestations of it.

This is evoking so much compassion inside of me. I can’t believe that this is how I felt inside. And watching this show now, is causing me a lot of heavy feelings of sadness. I can’t believe I used to feel like that inside. I used to suffer so much, on a daily, and…

I’m no longer suffering. I’ve changed from the inside out, and I’m continuing to change.. I don’t want anyone else to suffer like I have. I want to help people.

While its true that life is suffering, it’s also true that life is joyful. Because we suffer, we can experience joy. And I need to show people this joy. There’s no need to cling to our suffering any longer. There’s no need to be anywhere but the moment.

It doesn’t matter what circumstance you are in, the capacity for joy is there.

It’s always, always there.

What is your favorite media? How does it reflect how you see the world?

What is happening to me?

There are many ways to interpret what’s actually going on with me. I know for sure I’m having a lot of sickness – a sickness one might label as depression. It’s like I am literally sick of a lot of things in my life. The only thing I’m satisfied with are my relationships. Everything else, I’m not. In particular, I’m sick of all my health habits and my career. Sometimes I feel so sick of it , I can’t get myself out of bed. Sometimes, I literally do vomit. It’s crazy. It would be easy to label myself with depression and go to psychiatrist.

But there’s something happening here that I don’t think a psychiatrist could quite diagnose, and its been happening for a long time now. It’s a new inspiration to live life. It’s a glowing beauty, one that I can’t explain to anyone. I can’t always see it of course: but when I do, it’s so vibrant. It’s one I used to only be able to see in my dreams- but now, it’s happening all around me. My dreamworld is manifesting in reality.

If I am depressed, why do I feel so damn happy at the same time?

There are multiple times I see this….energy, and I look around me, and I don’t understand why no one else can see it. I want to tell everyone to open their eyes and LOOK, but how can they, when its something I can’t even see all the time myself? When it’s something I can’t technically see. I feel it, but not in a way I’ve felt anything else. It’s a sense I can’t place into words. And it isn’t just unique to me. I’m realizing that millions of people in the world can also feel it.

There are people out there who use it all the time and they don’t even know it. There are people out there who use it for wonderful things. Some use it to do horrible things. It’s a energy that once you notice, you can literally do anything with it. It’s an extremely powerful energy to see. It’s one that gives you complete control over your reality.

Ever sense I saw it, even though I can’t pinpoint exactly when I saw it, it has caused me to have complete depression. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. I can’t go back to my old habits. I can’t ever go back to who I was before. Each time I feel myself indulging in an old habit, it physically hurts. I know I can’t keep going like this.

Note I’m calling it an energy. I have no idea what else to call it. I could probably call it anything I wanted, since it’s something that has no physical manifestation. It’s like gravity. No one knows what gravity is, we just kind of know what it does.

Leaders of all kinds use this energy.  Let’s take spiritual leaders for example. Have you ever actually wondered how the hell one person could just create a religion out of thin air with no scientific backing whatsoever, and then have millions of people follow it?  It happens all the time, all around us. It’s an energy that is charismatic. And it appears that I have that energy inside of me. It’s just been dormant.

I keep finding myself depressed, wishing I could unsee it.  I know I have a long journey ahead, and it’s a gruesome one. My body currently can’t handle this energy. It’s taking forever to adjust. I have no idea if it ever will adjust, because I might just be batshit insane. But part of seeing this energy is realizing that I am in fact sane. My thoughts create my reality, so if I decided right now that I was not crazy, then guess what would happen? I would think I’m not crazy.

Another way I like to describe this is by using the “third eye” metaphor. I like that symbol a lot , because that is what this is like. As if a third eye is opening in my head. I’m seeing some sort of energy that no one else can see. I’m seeing…my own mind.

It all just seems so simple in theory. If we could all observe our own minds, from a third outside perspective, what would happen? What power would that give us? And that is exactly what I’m discovering. I just feel like I’m only at the tip of the iceburg, and there’s so much more I’m not seeing. I’m still standing at the beginning. There’s so much more.

I’m seeing everything. That is the best way to describe it. Did I mean for this to happen to me? Not at all. All I did about a year ago was watch a video on YouTube about the double slit experiment. I just thought it was nuts, so I dived more in depth to figure out if I was actually interpreting it right. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I went on a trip where I stayed in the jungle for 2 weeks. Then I sat on a meditation cushion at a temple. Then the person I was in love with, who I didn’t think would ever fall in love with me, decided to be with me. And now I’m off my medication, I just had surgery, I just gave up my career, and I have literally no idea just what the fuck is happening to me.

I see how the world works. I never realized it before, I never saw it before…and I still feel like I only see a little bit of it. There’s still so much to learn. I’ve discovered that I’m limited to my perspective of the world: that however I chose to see it, dictates exactly what it is. Right now, I’m choosing to see it with curiosity, as if I’m a child. And it’s causing me to see beyond what I ever thought I could.

People who find themselves bored with this reality, have no idea just how fun and amazing it can be, because they have labeled it as boring. People who find themselves hating this reality, will just hate it, because that’s what they’ve decided to do. People can even decide to be happy about this reality, which is probably the better option. But it’s not one I pick…I’m picking to be curious about it. And it’s opening doors.

Doors just keep opening everywhere, and I’m frozen still, not sure what one to pick. I’m trying to calculate what door is right, but I know I need to go through lots of them, because none of them are right. They are just paths. There are so many paths in life. And I can take whatever one I want. I never had that power before. That power comes with seeing this energy, or opening your third eye, or whatever you want to call it.

Each path- not one has more merit over the other. You can create your own merits, using your own reasoning, but you know that it’s nothing more than that. In reality, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, so do what you want !

Its completely overwhelming me, and its also depressing me. Life would technically be easier if there were only a few paths to take. And that is what a lot of people do- they pick a path and walk it, completely satisfied like that. I’m depressed because I can’t go back to that easy way of life. Even if I said tomorrow, “Fuck I’m sick”, and decided to go back on medication to numb myself and turn off all these spiritual revelations, I wouldn’t forget what I saw. I wouldn’t forget what I wrote here. It would just eat me alive until I did something about it. So I have no choice. I have no choice but to do something with this vibrant energy that I see. And this energy that I see…it’s all inside of me. It’s bursting out at such strong intervals, my body can’t handle it. I can’t wait to see if this is actually a spiritual awakening, or if I really am just sick. I don’t know, but I do know this: I’m feeling quite excited to be taking the journey to find out.